What? Dating? How Do I Know I'm Ready?
How do I know when I’m ready to date? Great question. We’re all
in different places with dating: newly divorced and feeling like a kid
in the candy store; widowed, or divorced for years and ready to
settle down; never married and out of a serious, long term relationship, or never
wanting to remarry, and every place in between. In fact, one week you might think
you’re ready and the next you’re sure you’re nowhere near it. What to
do?
First, it’s best that you heal emotionally from your
breakup/divorce/death of a loved one before jumping back in. Why? Because
you’re not emotionally ready to give 100% to someone else. You’ll THINK
you are ready. You’ll find yourself missing physical touch and you’ll look in
all the wrong places to find it (it’s not hard to find, by the way!) I’m
talking here about being emotionally ready to jump into a relationship.
Does that mean if you’re not emotionally ready, you can’t date
casually? No. You can. But, be clear that that’s where you are. If two
people are in the same place with dating, it won’t be a problem. But, if you have one emotionally healed
person dating someone who is just starting to heal, you won’t be in the same
place. Don’t pretend to be healed/over your ex if you’re really not. More
people get hurt when that happens and you may have to deal with another break
up (and back to spiraling to that dark, negative place).
Some ask, “What does it mean to be emotionally available?” It
means being over your ex/old girl/boyfriend/deceased spouse to the point
thinking of him/her doesn’t evoke tears, anger, resentment, or any negative
emotion. There are many ways to heal: therapy (always a good option),
pray, go to church, read a self-help book (so many good ones out there), go out
with your girlfriends/guy friends, pamper yourself, reflect, write, meditate,
take a class (like one on dating), or consider hiring a life coach or a
dating consultant.
You might be thinking how do I heal?
First, I know it sounds cliché, but do you love yourself? You
need to be sure you’re grounded in yourself (have taken a long enough break
between relationships) and have a healthy perspective for dating. Do you think
you’re a desirable, positive, happy person? If you said yes, you may be ready.
If you answered no, here a few suggestions (these are also good when you are
trying to get over someone):
· Go to
church—get spiritual healthy. Ask God to heal you from the inside out, and to help
lead and guide you along the way. Consider joining a bible study.
· Examine
your values and decide WHO you want to be in the dating world—then become that
person. Andy Stanley (minister at North Point Community Church) says, “Are you who the one you’re
looking for is looking for?” This is such great advice. If you’re a party girl
and sleeping with every man in sight (or party boy doing the same), yet you
don’t want to marry someone like that, the person you want won’t
even see you or look your way. Be the person you’re looking
for. Stanley says, “Instead of
searching for the right person, become the right person.”
· Don’t date
to fill an empty heart or get over your ex, or to feel better
about a dreadful life. You won’t find dating fun if you’re in this place
and you won’t be a good partner to the other person. You need to find ways to
become WHOLE on your own first before you can give yourself to someone
else.
· Read some
dating books—there are so many good ones out there. (Check out my book! First
Date Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating the “Next” Time Around). Read self-help books or the Bible.
· Spend time
with positive people. Catch yourself when you’re being negative and turn
negative statements into positives.
· Hit the
gym. Get physically healthy. Spend time
away from your computer by going outdoors. Nothing clears a mind like being in
nature.
· Start a
new project. Do activities that bring you joy.
· Go to
therapy to clear things from your past. A lot of times we don’t even know we
are “stuck” so it’s important to explore and get a “check up” from the “neck
up.”
· Volunteer/serve
in your community, or take your nieces and nephews out to the zoo or park.
Enjoy laughing with young minds. Travel
some place you’ve never been.
· Some
people say make a list of what you’re looking for. You can do this, but know
that your list may very well change again and again. We all want someone who is
loyal, honest, has good character, but don’t make your list so
constrictive that no one can match it (i.e. I only want to date someone who is
6’-6’2” with blonde hair, likes music and makes $150,000+). It’s more about the
way you FEEL when you’re with this person. I’m not talking crazy
chemistry/infatuation/lustful feelings. I’m talking about through a lot of
conversation you can see this person would be a good match for you (no matter
what your list says).
A Quick List of 10 Ways to Know If You’re Ready to Date
Again
1. You’ve
Rediscovered Who You Are – You know who you are outside of a relationship and
have found activities you like to do without a partner by your side.
2. Guilty
Feelings are Gone - Widow/ers might feel this more because you didn’t ask to be
single. We are all wired for connection, but it might feel funny going out
again so soon. As soon as the guilty feelings are gone, it’s a sign you’re
ready.
3. You Feel
Like the Rest of Your Life is Stable - It’s important (and responsible)
to not feel shaky about other areas of your life (finances, job, kids, etc.).
This doesn’t mean you have to wait until life is perfect (that’ll never
happen), but you should not be treading water each day keeping up with your responsibilities.
4. No More
Negative Feelings or Fear -
If
you had a tough divorce, this is especially true! You should be past the hurt,
bitterness and anger most days, and more excited than fearful.
5. No
Comparisons to the Past - It’s probably not a good idea to talk often about how wonderful
your deceased husband was or how great your marriage was when it was good. A
little bit of that is OK, but if you’re talking a lot about your past
(especially early on), then you may not be over it. You should be ready to look for the
uniqueness of the one you’re with.
6. Ready to
Be Vulnerable Again - If you were cheated on or hurt in a past relationship, it might
be hard to trust again. You will get better at setting boundaries (defining boundaries
as well as protecting them), but you should be ready to be
vulnerable and trust someone again. It is a big risk to put yourself out there again, but
that is part of the process, knowing each relationship makes you
stronger for the next.
7. Dating for the
Right Reasons
- You won’t be dating for the kids, to find a step-parent, out of remorse
or
to fill a lonely heart. You’ll be ready to date to enhance your life;
not to “complete you,” but to “complement” you.
8. You’re Past Grieving
& Excited to Date - Widow/ers obviously will grieve, but divorced people will, too. It’s still a
loss. But you’re past it and
excited to move forward! It’ll just feel like it’s the right time. You might not meet the
right
person initially, but the process will feel right.
So, if that’s where you are, you’re ready! If it’s not, you will get there in time. Be patient and work through what you need to
work through. “Then you will be able to
test and approve what God’s will is [for you] – his good, pleasing and perfect
will (Romans 12:2).
For further thought:
After reading this, do you think you’re ready? Why or why not? Trusting God’s timing can be
tough. Proverbs tells us, “Trust in the
Lord with all your heart. Lean not on
your own understanding and He will make your path straight,” (Proverbs
3:5). Look for ways you can tie into God
so He can keep you heading in the right direction!
You can find more from Elizabeth at www.loveandlaughterlifecoaching.com
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