Regrets

If you look back on these last 20 or so years as an adult and see nothing but success and victory, if you look back and are very proud of who you are and what you’ve done, my hat is off to you and rightly so.  You should feel very, very proud.  I have to say for me it’s much more of a mixed bag.  When I look back there are things my heart smiles broadly at, but I also have some deep regrets. 

While I’m not a Madonna fan, I saw an interview with her years ago that really stuck with me.  She was asked if she had any regrets.  Her response?  No.  She had none.  Everything she had done had been part of her learning process (though interestingly she has since admitted to regrets).  My initial reaction was, “Really?!  No regrets.  Wow.  Wish I could relate.” 

Now I think I understand a bit more where she was coming from.  Do I have regrets?  Yes.  But have those regrets taught me tremendous lessons?  Have they propelled me forward on my life’s journey?  Yes they have.  I think sometimes with all this pressure we put on ourselves to prove and perfect and achieve we forget to simply thank God for the process, for the ways He’s refining us.  Not that we would choose to go through some of the things we’ve gone through, and not that God would choose those things for us, but He will use each and every one of our experiences to help us grow and become who He’s calling us to be. 

I absolutely believe the second half of our life can be even stronger than the first half, that who were yesterday doesn’t define who we are today in this moment, just as who we are today in this moment doesn’t necessarily define who we can be tomorrow.  It’s one of the things I love about life.  It is full of infinite possibilities.  And we have the ability again and again and again to steer ourselves in better, stronger directions.

So if, like me, you look back and you think, “Ugh.  I wish I could have done that so differently,” know that while you can’t change it, you can learn from each and every circumstance and then push forward.  What you’re doing right now is exactly what you need to be doing.  In that you will find freedom and joy and a life with no regrets.  Not even one letter ;-) 

For further thought: Whatever your stage in life, God will use your circumstances to create good if you let Him.  Romans 8:28 says, “We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan.” (Voice)  Consider how your life circumstances can help you grow in a better, stronger way moving forward.

Past the Darkness

My daughter told me the other day suicide has now grown past the murder rate.  Essentially, we’re killing ourselves off faster than others can kill us.  I found that deeply disturbing, yet somehow I wasn’t surprised.

I have met so many, many people who have lost faith in everything this world sells us – money and wealth, fame, love, friendship, achievement and even religion.  It’s like we’ve all been sold a bad bill of goods, and as we’re left holding the bags, we wonder how we got so duped in the first place.

What do you do when what your told will make you whole and happy never actually does?  And what do you do when that extends to your views on God?  These are the questions I’ve wrestled with on and off my whole life. 

But I have learned one secret.  I have found a way, even in the midst of bitter trials, to experience faith and peace.  I have learned the gift of finding my purpose in the midst of the crap life has dished my way.  It’s not found in money.  It’s not found in people knowing my name.  While I derive tremendous joy and satisfaction from my children and my relationships, they are not what fill me completely full, either.  It’s not religious ritual or doing good deeds, though I find deep satisfaction in serving others.  It’s not found in any of the awards I have won or the compliments I receive.

The secret is found in walking through all of these life storms with God.   I have found in the depths of challenge and despair you and I will also see the depth of God’s mercy and love in ways we had only glimpsed before.  We will experience a richness and breadth of blessings that can only come from weathering such experiences hand-in-hand with our creator.   It is through those circumstances I have found my faith becomes bedrock, unshakeable.  Even though my knees may still quiver and tremble and doubt can shadow my heart, His light pierces through more quickly each time I learn to trust and surrender to His voice, His vision for me in each circumstance. 

Now it ain’t always easy.  When you’re feeling stuck and lost in your own personal darkness, choosing to look up and out can seem pointless.  Yet time and time again, I have found as I begin a dialogue with God I begin to see his hand reaching for me so he can lead me to a better place.  I begin to find solutions and see acts of beauty even in the midst of the brutality.  In short, I begin to regain hope. 

God never promised me I wouldn’t have hardship.  Nowhere in the Bible does He say I can have it all while living on this earth.  In fact, Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world,” (Jn. 16:33 NIV).  Over time I have learned I can do everything “right” and work hard to stack the deck in my favor, but at the end of the day I have no control over other people’s choices.  I have no power to make them bend to my will.  And that’s not even touching on the many times I can’t bend myself to my will and make the right choice!

Yet the secret lies in the second half of the scripture where Jesus said, “but take heart!  I have overcome the world.”  Jesus has overcome every obstacle this world can dish out—even death.  So when I struggle, whether from others actions against me or from my own poor choices, He teaches me to use everything as an opportunity to draw closer to Him, to learn some really cool stuff about my heart and character, and about grace and mercy.  And He can do it for you, too.

For further thought:  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  (James 1:2-4)  What is a way God can use what you’re going through to help others?  Think of one new thing you can do to begin reaching for God during this time. 

A Light in the Window

It is a sterling moment when people reward your faith in them.  I have two very distinct, powerful moments that I hold to dearly with each of my sons.  Both, after some months out on their own, came back to me and thanked me for the love and guidance I gave them, for the life lessons and principles I worked to instill in them, and for my patience with them during those crazy, challenging teen years.  Priceless moments each, I will never forget them. 

People have a way of surprising you.  You can have hurtful, challenging, heart-wrenching discussions and arguments that pierce your heart.  Yet at this point in my life I have repeatedly seen when I do my best to stay god-centered during those times, really striving to come from a place of love and kindness, even if the initial moment doesn’t go well, over time the love often wins out. 

I have had people come back to me weeks, months and even years after negative, hurtful exchanges to heal, seek forgiveness, reconnect with me again, or simply thank me for my effort.  As I’ve stepped back in wonder at this, I have to admit a few things.  First, I didn’t handle every interaction perfectly.  I did the very best I was capable of and strove to approach it from a good heart, but my words and actions were still flawed.  In other words, it’s not me that made this happen.  I don’t have some sort of Midas touch or gilded tongue that works magic over time. 

Second, I have made poor decisions that have placed me in the conflict to begin with.  It’s not like I’m always the bigger person offering grace and mercy.  Sometimes I’m the one needing to receive it.  And there are times I know in advance the person I’m going to have a challenging discussion with is not going to “get it.”  They’re not going to understand my perspective because they are too locked up in their own.  That’s okay.  It’s still important to try.  You never know when the lights will brighten and they’ll understand, just as I’ve had comments people have made come back to me years later only to be deeply struck by the wisdom and truth in what they shared. 

What I’ve come to realize - the true miracle is love.  Love is a powerful and amazing tool, able to reshape the human landscape.  1 Peter 4:8 says, “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” As hard as it is for me to offer a loving heart to someone when I’m hurt and reeling, especially when I’m the injured party, the time I spend on my knees crying out to God for wisdom on how to be loving and selfless while still protecting my personal boundaries is time well spent.  Even if in the moment I see no result or acknowledgment of my effort, there is deep value in offering a response rooted in love. 

Now not everyone comes back later, ready to shake hands and move forward.  There are people I’m sure who will go to the grave holding onto whatever hurt or slight they feel I have offered them.  No amount of my reasoning or compassion will ever change it.  And that’s okay.  We’re all on different journeys, responding as best we’re able while hiking an uphill path.  But to the ones who do come back, and for the ones I’ve gone back to myself, what an incredible experience!  The wonder and freedom that spring from those moments are indescribably beautiful, like a flower unfurling its petals to the life-giving warmth of the sun.  They make your heart smile :-)

For further thought: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God" - Matthew 5:9 (NIV).  What situation do you need to come to a place of peace about?  Begin praying to move in that direction.  

Fresh

Fresh.  Close your eyes and imagine inhaling the warm, tasty aroma of a freshly baked loaf of bread.  Ahh.  Or picture a fresh blanket of snow draping delicately from the trees and sparkling like diamonds in the sun. Beautiful!  Imagine fresh linen sheets hanging from a clothesline over a lush, green lawn as they billow gently in the breeze.  There’s something about fresh that makes us smile.  Fresh experiences, fresh faces, fresh food, fresh life – somehow they refresh us, in our minds and our hearts. 

Reality, though, is there are days when we feel anything but fresh.  Sometimes it feels bit more like we’ve been forced to smell some nasty spoilt milk and haven’t experienced a fresh loaf of anything in a while.  I hate those days!  One thing I have learned, however, is in life those days are inevitable.  We’ve all had the experience of taking a sip of spoilt milk. Yuck!  But it’s not the negative experiences that defines us.  It’s what we do with them. 

So how do we get back to fresh?  Sometimes it’s taking a moment to get fresh perspective.  For me, the negativity, the hurt, the accusations my mind sometimes throws at me can be daunting.  I may intellectually know the lies I’m hearing in my head aren’t true, but emotionally I lack the will to fight back.  It’s a crucial time, these moments.  We are at a crossroads and we have a choice – to keep moving forward or to just surrender to it.  I’ve done both in my life, frankly.  Sometimes I push too hard and don’t deal enough with what’s going on so I can learn what I’m meant to (I’ve found, by the way, that’s not a good solution – God has a way of just putting me back into similar situations until I finally “get” it).  Sometimes I just wallow in the misery.  I feel almost powerless to fight back, to lean into God and let Him stare down my demons for me. 

There’s a stanza I love from Coldplay’s song, “Everything’s Not Lost.”  It says,

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away

Looking for fresh perspective requires being honest with myself about the hurts and challenges I’ve faced and the hurdles I’ve had to get over, but it also requires looking beyond the those things, using them to grow in any way I can, then reminding myself of what’s my truth – that I am an amazing, beloved, precious child of God, infinite in my abilities to grow and make an impact because my God is an infinite God, full of possibilities and strength.  He Himself will refresh my spirit. 

Ephesians 4:22-24 says, “… you know to take off your former way of life, your crumpled old self … to take a fresh breath and to let God renew your attitude and spirit.  Then you are ready to put on your new self, modeled after the very likeness of God: truthful, righteous, and holy.”  So I keep fighting to connect with God, just as He keeps fighting to break through the cobwebs of my lies so I can see His face clearly.  Eventually, inevitably, we connect and I’m refreshed, able to move forward.  Ahh.   

For further thought:  Find something to do this week that refreshes your spirit and reminds you of your worth :-)