The Dented Fender: Single Parent Edition

Hey Folks!  As promised, the last entry of each month will be one devoted to the single parents in our lives.  A different topic will be addressed each month.  For our first post, I tapped my good friend Elizabeth Lewis.  She is a life and dating coach,  a teacher and speaker, and the author of First Date Next Mate: Perspectives in "Dating" the Next Time Around.  Elizabeth is this bubbly little fireball of a lady who lights up a room with her smile.  Though she was widowed a few years back, she has come to a place of healing, grace and strength, and she has a lot of wisdom and insight to share.  Below is a brief excerpt from her book, updated just for our Dented Fender community.  Whether or not you're a single parent, I believe her insight will help you to help yourself and/or others.  Happy reading!

What?  Dating?  How Do I Know I'm Ready?

How do I know when I’m ready to date? Great question. We’re all in different places with dating: newly divorced and feeling like a kid in the candy store; widowed, or divorced for years and ready to settle down; never married and out of a serious, long term relationship, or never wanting to remarry, and every place in between. In fact, one week you might think you’re ready and the next you’re sure you’re nowhere near it. What to do?

First, it’s best that you heal emotionally from your breakup/divorce/death of a loved one before jumping back in. Why? Because you’re not emotionally ready to give 100% to someone else. You’ll THINK you are ready. You’ll find yourself missing physical touch and you’ll look in all the wrong places to find it (it’s not hard to find, by the way!) I’m talking here about being emotionally ready to jump into a relationship. 

Does that mean if you’re not emotionally ready, you can’t date casually? No. You can. But, be clear that that’s where you are.  If two people are in the same place with dating, it won’t be a problem.  But, if you have one emotionally healed person dating someone who is just starting to heal, you won’t be in the same place. Don’t pretend to be healed/over your ex if you’re really not. More people get hurt when that happens and you may have to deal with another break up (and back to spiraling to that dark, negative place). 

Some ask, “What does it mean to be emotionally available?” It means being over your ex/old girl/boyfriend/deceased spouse to the point thinking of him/her doesn’t evoke tears, anger, resentment, or any negative emotion. There are many ways to heal: therapy (always a good option), pray, go to church, read a self-help book (so many good ones out there), go out with your girlfriends/guy friends, pamper yourself, reflect, write, meditate, take a class (like one on dating), or consider hiring a life coach or a dating consultant.

You might be thinking how do I heal? 

First, I know it sounds cliché, but do you love yourself? You need to be sure you’re grounded in yourself (have taken a long enough break between relationships) and have a healthy perspective for dating.  Do you think you’re a desirable, positive, happy person? If you said yes, you may be ready. If you answered no, here a few suggestions (these are also good when you are trying to get over someone):

·      Go to church—get spiritual healthy. Ask God to heal you from the inside out, and to help lead and guide you along the way. Consider joining a bible study. 

·      Examine your values and decide WHO you want to be in the dating world—then become that person. Andy Stanley (minister at North Point Community Church) says, “Are you who the one you’re looking for is looking for?” This is such great advice. If you’re a party girl and sleeping with every man in sight (or party boy doing the same), yet you don’t want to marry someone like that, the person you want won’t even see you or look your way. Be the person you’re looking for.  Stanley says, “Instead of searching for the right person, become the right person.” 

·      Don’t date to fill an empty heart or get over your ex, or to feel better about a dreadful life. You won’t find dating fun if you’re in this place and you won’t be a good partner to the other person. You need to find ways to become WHOLE on your own first before you can give yourself to someone else. 

·      Read some dating books—there are so many good ones out there. (Check out my book! First Date Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating the “Next” Time Around).  Read self-help books or the Bible. 

·      Spend time with positive people. Catch yourself when you’re being negative and turn negative statements into positives. 

·      Hit the gym. Get physically healthy.  Spend time away from your computer by going outdoors. Nothing clears a mind like being in nature.

·      Start a new project.  Do activities that bring you joy. 

·      Go to therapy to clear things from your past. A lot of times we don’t even know we are “stuck” so it’s important to explore and get a “check up” from the “neck up.” 

·      Volunteer/serve in your community, or take your nieces and nephews out to the zoo or park. Enjoy laughing with young minds.  Travel some place you’ve never been. 

·       Some people say make a list of what you’re looking for. You can do this, but know that your list may very well change again and again. We all want someone who is loyal, honest, has good character, but don’t make your list so constrictive that no one can match it (i.e. I only want to date someone who is 6’-6’2” with blonde hair, likes music and makes $150,000+). It’s more about the way you FEEL when you’re with this person. I’m not talking crazy chemistry/infatuation/lustful feelings. I’m talking about through a lot of conversation you can see this person would be a good match for you (no matter what your list says).

 A Quick List of 10 Ways to Know If You’re Ready to Date Again

1.    You’ve Rediscovered Who You Are – You know who you are outside of a relationship and have found activities you like to do without a partner by your side.

2.    Guilty Feelings are Gone - Widow/ers might feel this more because you didn’t ask to be single. We are all wired for connection, but it might feel funny going out again so soon. As soon as the guilty feelings are gone, it’s a sign you’re ready. 

3.    You Feel Like the Rest of Your Life is Stable - It’s important (and responsible) to not feel shaky about other areas of your life (finances, job, kids, etc.). This doesn’t mean you have to wait until life is perfect (that’ll never happen), but you should not be treading water each day keeping up with your responsibilities. 

4.    No More Negative Feelings or Fear - If you had a tough divorce, this is especially true! You should be past the hurt, bitterness and anger most days, and more excited than fearful. 

5.    No Comparisons to the Past - It’s probably not a good idea to talk often about how wonderful your deceased husband was or how great your marriage was when it was good. A little bit of that is OK, but if you’re talking a lot about your past (especially early on), then you may not be over it.  You should be ready to look for the uniqueness of the one you’re with.

6.    Ready to Be Vulnerable Again - If you were cheated on or hurt in a past relationship, it might be hard to trust again. You will get better at setting boundaries (defining boundaries as well as protecting them), but you should be ready to be vulnerable and trust someone again. It is a big risk to put yourself out there again, but that is part of the process, knowing each relationship makes you stronger for the next.  

7.    Dating for the Right Reasons - You won’t be dating for the kids, to find a step-parent, out of remorse or to fill a lonely heart. You’ll be ready to date to enhance your life; not to “complete you,” but to “complement” you.  

8.    You’re Past Grieving & Excited to Date - Widow/ers obviously will grieve, but divorced people will, too. It’s still a loss.  But you’re past it and excited to move forward! It’ll just feel like it’s the right time. You might not meet the right person initially, but the process will feel right. 

So, if that’s where you are, you’re ready!  If it’s not, you will get there in time.  Be patient and work through what you need to work through.  “Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is [for you] – his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2).

For further thought:

After reading this, do you think you’re ready? Why or why not?  Trusting God’s timing can be tough.  Proverbs tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding and He will make your path straight,” (Proverbs 3:5).  Look for ways you can tie into God so He can keep you heading in the right direction!

You can find more from Elizabeth at www.loveandlaughterlifecoaching.com 

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The Window

I have this small little window in my living room.  It's really cool!  The door swings open and it still has the old-school window panes with the wavy, original glass intact.  It's this cute little architectural feature someone chose to add back in the day, and I'm grateful they did!  That said, this small little window isn't very functional.  You can't see very much of what's happening outside.  Besides, when you try to open it, it whacks you in the head if you're not careful--and yes, I know from experience! 

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I live my life a lot like I'm looking out of a small little window.  I tend to see only what's right in front of me, what's readily obvious.  This is especially true when I'm struggling.  Tough times suck.  They just do.  There's no way around it.  Yet one of the hardest things about them is I can get so caught up in what's happening in the moment, I lose sight of the bigger picture.  I can forget that just because one door has closed, one opportunity has passed, or one situation has irrevocably changed, it doesn't mean there isn't something that's still special and precious out there waiting for me.  There's a quote I love by Alexander Graham Bell.  He says, "When one door closes, another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened up for us."

At this point in my life, I have faced down many challenges.  I've lost jobs, lost opportunities, lost fiends, lost face, and lost people I dearly loved.  I've made some great decisions, but I've also made decisions that came back to bite me in the backside.  And when I think that way, my window in life can feel really, really small.  But just as when I walk outside I can see a much bigger picture, I have to remind myself to take the time to sep beyond myself and remember the bigger view--God's view.  That's the beauty of walking with Christ.  Nothing is wasted in His hands.  Every hurt, every tear, every loss and every closed door has led to deeper understanding, wisdom, true healing and exciting opportunities and adventures.  The key is to trust Him long enough to find that next open window, that next opportunity to not only grow, but to shine.  

Even when I'm plugging along in life full of joy, I can still limit my world with too small a view.  I know I'm not alone in that.  Think of an opportunity you passed up because you felt too inadequate to take advantage of it, or you weren't confident enough to grab ahold of what you clearly felt nudged to do.  I find it revealing that the #1 regret most people have at the end of their lives is risks they didn't take or opportunities they allowed to pass them by.  We all of us struggle with believing we can be used to take meaningful, impacting actions that empower us and those around us.  That's why I love the view out of God's window.  His view is the universe, vast and unending.  His strength is creation, the systems and structures we see (and don't see) all around us.  His vision is unlimited by time or space or sleep or need or anything else.  And His love for us is limitless, too.  

Paul tells us, "Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.  Neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord," (Romans 8:35, 39).  God also tells us, "You will seek Me and find Me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," (Jeremiah 29:13).  His ways aren't like mine; they may not always make sense to me in the moment.  But when I choose to look for God's view, He fills me with a fearless, bold faith that lets me reach for my dreams because I know my healing, my happiness, and ultimately the impact I leave behind aren't based on my strengths and gifting, but on God's--and His supply is limitless.  

For Further Thought:  In what ways do you limit the view in your life?  How can you choose faith over fear or pain?  Remember:  "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.  He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights.  You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; You stoop down to make me great," (Psalm 18).  Pray to see that next open door in your life, and then to have the faith and courage to confidently walk through it.  

From Darkness to the Stars

I took a personal spiritual retreat back in February to one of my favorite spots around, Potter’s Ranch.  It’s this gorgeous meeting center in Northern Kentucky with those lush, rolling green hills and gentle flowering valleys the area is known for.  There’s a creek, tons of walking and hiking trails, and what I most long for on these retreats of mine—peaceful quiet and solitude.

There’s something about getting away, especially when life is chaotic and crazy, that rejuvenates my spirit.  I get a lot of extra time to read, to pray and to take the time I need to get re-centered with my Maker.  In the silence, I hear His voice more clearly.  When I walk around the hills and the hollers, I sense His presence like a warm embrace, wrapping me up within Him.  Nature has a way of doing that for me, of taking me back to what really matters, and remembering there is something far greater than myself, my world, or anything else within this world I inhabit for a slice of time.  Everything seems to land in perspective. 

During my last retreat, I had a vision.  I don’t get visions very often.  Maybe you get them all the time, but for me it’s a rare and special thing, very profound.  I’d like to share with you a little bit of mine.  At the beginning of the vision, I find myself sitting in a chair in a very dark cave.  There is just enough light for me to have a sense of proportion, of where the walls and the ceiling likely are, but that’s it.  I can’t see ahead of me; there’s no way to know where I’m at or how to move forward through this cave.

Then Jesus comes and stands behind my chair.  He begins pushing me forward, almost as if my chair was floating just above the floor.  I am struck by how easily He navigates through this dark, dark cave!  I can sense we are turning a little to the left here, or a little to the right there, but it’s like a maze and I quickly realize there would be no way of navigating through this tunnel quickly and safely without Jesus doing the driving. 

After some time, He guides me to this tall shaft that leads up and directly out of the tunnel.  All above me I can see the twinkling of a million stars, but as I stand up and look around, there is no way for me to climb up the tall shaft I’m in.  It is a sheer climb from bottom to top, easily 40 feet high.  I search for a way to exit, but there isn’t one.  Frustration starts to set in.  I have no idea how I’m going to scale this wall, how I’m ever going to exit the cave I’m in.

As frustration starts to melt into fear, Jesus quietly reminds me He’s right behind me.  He hasn’t left; I just forgot to look.  He asks me to sit back down in my chair, so I do.  Not even a moment later, He starts to push my chair again but this time, He walks sideways straight up the wall!  I am astounded by this, by His ability to not only defy gravity, but to push me up that way with no effort, no strain.  The whole thing is remarkably easy for Him.  And from there, I literally take flight with Him into the night sky.

Even now, I am struck by how much life resembles that cave.  Whenever I feel lost or stuck, unsure of where I’m at or how to navigate forward, when I take the time to listen, Jesus shows up.  He reminds me I don’t have to figure out all my answers.  I don’t have to have perfect perception.  I don’t even have to understand how it’s all going to work or where I’m headed exactly.  But when I trust, He leads me flawlessly in fearless and unexpected ways.  I end up going to places I never thought to go, experiencing things I’d never entertained experiencing.  And when I’m deeply hurting, alone in the dark, I’m never truly alone.  Behind me stands my strength, and He will lead me to the stars.

For Further Thought: “Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Remember the wonders he has done …” (Psalm 105:4-5). You don’t need to receive a vision to know that God is there for you, no matter what, and He will guide you if you let Him.  In the midst of the challenges we all face, remember to take time to connect with and listen to God’s leading.  It can be out in nature, alone in your room, or any other space that warms your spirit.  Take whatever time you need and embrace the peace that comes from knowing you are never, ever alone.  (For a great song about this, google “Testify” or just click HERE)

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