The Pain Tunnel

Have you ever been in a long, dark tunnel before?  I entered an old, abandoned mining tunnel once out in the Nevada desert.  Probably not one of my brighter moments!  It’s an eerie feeling being in a small, enclosed space.  When you first enter, you can see the sunlight and the blue sky behind you.  There is still a sense of the wind and the world just outside.  As you get deeper and deeper into the tunnel, however, reality begins to suspend itself.  Outside it could be cold, windy, hot, rainy.  Once you’re deep in a tunnel you won’t know any of that.  You begin to feel separated, detached.  It feels otherworldly. 

Pain is a lot like that tunnel.  It takes us to a dark, scary place where it’s hard to remember what’s real.  We can end up in an emotional tunnel for many reasons, and trying to avoid having to go through hard times isn’t always a bad thing.  The challenge for me becomes when I’m already inside the tunnel and I don’t want to do what it takes to go through it. 

Ever been there before?  You hide from yourself and your feelings.  You hide from other people.  You try to “fake it until you make it” and “keep on keeping on” instead of looking your pain squarely in the eye and making the decision to tackle and work through it.   You know it’s going to be hard even though it’s better and brighter on the other side, but you just want to be through the tunnel already and on to the healed and happy part. 

I have done this more times than I care to admit.  It’s funny because I’ve spent far more energy trying to climb my way all around the tunnel than I ever would’ve spent if I’d simply had the courage to go through it.  But who likes pain?  Who likes the anger, bitterness and hurt that accompany it?  Not me!  The irony is I usually find myself facing an even deeper, darker, longer tunnel that’s far more daunting to go through when I’m done frantically running around.  Reacting to my pain instead of working through it tends to lead to bad decisions, wrong choices, and just that much more pain!

There’s a scripture that used to make me cringe every time I read it.  In Romans 5:3-5 it says, “but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our heart by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (NIV)  I liked the character and hope part.  I just thought there were a whole lot of other ways I would rather learn the perseverance/patience part!  I didn’t want to have to go through trials to learn it.

Yet when I quit fighting the process and started working to connect with God so He could lead me through the tunnel, I was amazed.   I learned in the depths of challenge and despair I could also see the depth of God’s mercy and love in ways I had only glimpsed before.  The lessons I received were and are invaluable, and my faith became solid, unshakeable.  My hope was restored. 

Now I still can’t say I like to go through challenge but in the end, if I’ll allow it to be, the process can be an amazing blessing.  And while I doubt I’ll ever shout, “bring on the dark tunnel!” I am far more confident God will help me discover some beautiful gems as I go through, making me richer—and wiser—on the other side. 

For Further Thought:  Romans 8:28 says, “We are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work toward something good and beautiful when we love Him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan,” (VOICE).  Even though God doesn’t want us to have to suffer, He does promise to make something beautiful come from it.  What is a blessing you have seen come out of a time of trial? 

The Insecurity Battle

I had 4 separate conversations with women this week about personal insecurity and the constant, ongoing battle to not view themselves as less.  These were incredible woman, all!  Each of them is talented, successful, dynamic – a woman you would notice when she walks in the room.  It made me stop and think.

In my experience, women and insecurity tend to go hand in hand.  If we get a compliment, we’re quick to tell you what wasn’t good or right about our appearance or performance.  If we’ve done something really well, our next thought tends to be what could have been slightly better. 

We are the Queens of comparison.  Is she closer to my idea of an ideal height than I am?  Check.  Is she skinnier than me?  Check.  Does she have a better figure?  Check.  Does she seem more dynamic, more confident, more everything?  Check.  Then we pick up our checklists and proceed to rip ourselves to shreds.  Someone having a nice figure somehow morphs into our own inadequacies about our figure and the eternal (and futile) quest to have a perfect one.  If she’s accomplished more than we have, somehow whatever we’ve achieved seems like a big pile of nothing in comparison. 

And find me a woman who hasn’t read a popular magazine and felt fat and dumpy, or looked back at pictures of herself from 10 years ago only to realize she was prettier, skinnier and overall far more wonderful than she realized in the moment.  I have had the privilege of meeting many amazing women – talented, successful, beautiful, intelligent, insightful, dynamic individuals who really shine brightly in this world.  Even they will tell you they have days they don’t feel worth much, times they doubt themselves and believe they fall short. 

Yet as women, that same scrutiny helps us to hone in on someone who is feeling vulnerable and offer them encouragement and compassion.  It gives us the ability to see when someone is struggling and offer support and love.  It’s our sensitivity that helps us pick up on all those subtle clues telling us a child is starting to get sick, a loved one is in pain, or a dear friend is actually struggling as she hides behind that beautiful smile.  It can be a wonderful strength.

Now as much as I’d love to say I don’t struggle with insecurity, I do.  I have waves of it wash over me from time to time, trying to drown me under a blanket of negativity and self-doubt.  I lament over all I’m not and whatever I am seems like rubbish.  As a young woman, this would frustrate me.  I wanted to be confident and secure, I wanted to rejoice with others instead of making it about myself, but it seemed no matter how hard I tried insecurity would still rear it’s ugly head.

I remember sharing how discouraged I felt with a dear friend of mine.  She gave me a jewel of wisdom I have held onto tightly ever since.  She gently reminded me of how far I had come and all the ways I’d grown in this area.  Then she said, “This may never completely change in you.  You may struggle with insecurity for the rest of your life.  So what?  The key thing is you’re continuing to grow.  That’s all you can ask for.”

Somehow that set me free.  No longer did I feel like a failure when I struggled.  I was able to calmly and rationally pull out my list of ways God had changed and stretched me to combat the feelings of worthlessness.  I was able to remind myself it was a process.  I would have battles from time to time and not only was that okay, it was normal.  It’s like it gave me permission to be fully human.

And I love knowing God embraces me in the midst of my messy thinking and moments of self-loathing and doubt.  He tells me:

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph. 3:17

“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” Ro. 8:38-39

“See, I have you engraved on the palms of my hands.” Is. 49:16a

God holds me in the palm of His hand, and He holds you, too.  You are enough for him.  You are loved by Him.  The talents, gifts and abilities He’s placed within you are there for you to acknowledge, take off their shelves, and be used to encourage others, not to belittle yourself with.  God will never sell you short.  He gave up literally the very best He had just to have a relationship with you.  When you and I remember our worth before Him, the insecurity melts away. 

For further thought:  If you’re a woman, think of a strength in your life that comes from your sensitivity and thank God for it.  There is a plus side!  If you’re a man, encourage a woman you know about one way you’ve seen her sensitivity and thoughtfulness be a blessing in your life or in the life of others. 

Guilty is a Tricky Bedfellow

I have found Guilt makes a tricky bedfellow.  Sometimes Guilt can be that helpful niggling in the heart and mind that forces me to really analyze who I am, what I’m doing, and make stronger choices.  She reminds me of the apology I keep putting off, or pushes me toward that act of kindness I’ve known I’ve needed to do.  Guilt is close friends with Compassion and Responsiveness, and she reminds me to include them in my process.

But Guilt is but one of three sisters.  And when she brings her sisters – Shame and Regret – to the party, things always go sour.  Shame, with her pinched up face and severe line of a mouth, has a nasty habit of dragging you into the corner for a long-winded conversation about the many ways you’ve let everyone down.  She tends to invite her best friend, Judgment, into the conversation, who always seems so perfect, and you can’t help but leave their presence feeling very small and discardable.

Then Regret makes a beeline in your direction, ready to commiserate with you on all your feelings of inadequacy.  She looks painfully sad all the time, and just being in her presence seems to suck everything good and beautiful right out of you.  She likes to dwell on the past and seldom makes time to talk about anything else. 

I have learned when Guilt invites her sisters into the conversation, it’s best for me to thank her for her time and quickly exit the room.  It’s not that I don’t need Guilt from time to time in my life.  She can be a very helpful friend, but she has been known to get me into trouble a time or two. 

I always look around after these discouraging conversations for Compassion and Responsiveness.  I usually find them hanging outside with Grace and Mercy on the flower-covered deck admiring the stars.  Those four always make me smile, even when I feel my absolute lowest.  Compassion always greets me with a warm hug and an emphatic smile.  Responsiveness encourages me to share what I’m feeling and to find positive solutions to my challenges.  Grace reminds me I’m special and loved no matter what, and Mercy always seems to jump in at just the right moment with another big hug and a timely reminder of the strengths of my humanity.  She gently reminds me of how important it is to forgive myself and others.  They’re a dynamic group!  Just being with them inspires me to be my best. 

And when I head home after these encounters, despite the emotional roller coaster ride it can sometimes be, I’m still glad I came to the party.  After all, no one can appreciate all that Grace and her friends have to offer without having spent a little time with Shame and Regret.  Someday, I hope to have the strength to handle those two ladies a little more proactively.  In the meanwhile, Mercy reminds me my soft heartedness and kindness are part of what make me the lovely person she sees me to be. 

For Further Thought:  What qualities need to have a bigger presence in your life?  What can you do this week to invite them in for a while? 

Friendship Choices

A true friend is one of the greatest gifts we can be given on this earth.  I’ve had periods in my life with few deep friendships, and those were without a doubt some of the hardest times emotionally for me.  Interestingly, they weren’t the times I’ve gone through the hardest circumstances; sometimes my circumstances were just fine.  Rather, I felt alone on my journey and isolated.  The bone crushing, heart wrenching times in my life have been brutal to be sure, but I have been blessed to have deep, close, honest relationships during most of those storms, and that in and of itself makes the storm much more bearable.

God tells us, “A true friend loves regardless of the situation, and a real brother exists to share the tough times” (Pr. 17:17, MSG).  So many, many times, it has been my close relationships that have helped me hear God’s voice and to move away from adversity and ahead toward light and freedom.  I believe God gives us friendships for that reason.  Consider the following:

“ Wounds from a friend can be trusted,” (Pr. 27:6a NIV)

“A man’s counsel is sweet to his friend.” (Pr. 27:9b NASB)

“A despondent person deserves kindness from his friend, even though he strays from the fear of the Highest One.” (Job 6:14 VOICE)

“Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.” (Pr. 18:24 MSG)

“Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.” (Jn. 15:11-13 MSG)

“By yourself you’re unprotected.  With a friend you can face the worst.  Can you round up a third?  A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.” (Ecc. 4:12 MSG)

Obviously, friendship is not only important to God, it’s part of what we need in order to truly understand God’s love and connect more deeply with our creator – not just the giving of friendship, but the receiving of friendship from others.  Yet the Bible also makes clear not every friend is equal.  Some friends come and go; some stay by our side no matter what happens.  Some can be trusted; other’s can hurt you.  Proverbs 12:26 puts it this way, “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” (NIV)

There are many examples of positive friendships in the Bible – Jonathon and David, Elijah and Elisha, Naomi and Ruth, Paul and Timothy to name a few.  These were priceless relationships where each person helped the other to grow, strengthen and move forward in life powerfully.  But there are also some very negative examples of relationships in the Bible – Cain and Abel, Samson and Delilah, Jezebel and Ahab, and even Barnabas and Paul.  Some of these relationships were downright destructive.  Each person spurred the other on toward evil, bitterness and heartache.  In the case of Barnabas and Paul, they sharply disagreed on an issue and parted paths.  Their friendship was deep and powerful for a season, but their journey’s diverged and they went separate ways.  Neither path was wrong; they were just different.

I’ve learned one of the secrets to having those strong friendships that spur you on toward powerful growth is to be intentional about whom you pull into your life.  Not all friends are created equal, and some friends who were perfect for one season may not be the best fit for the current season we find ourselves in.  Just understanding those two statements puts great power at our fingertips – the power to choose a person (yes, we get to choose!) who actually helps build us up and the power to realize sometimes a person is no longer the best companion to move forward with on our journey.  The first helps us to surround ourselves with people who genuinely “get” us and have our best interests at heart.  The second frees us from the guilt we can sometimes experience when a friend, despite our best efforts, no longer does “get” us and isn’t going to necessarily help us make the best choices moving forward.  It hurts; it’s hard, and tears may be shed, but it’s a normal part of the process.

No one is perfect, myself included!  Friends have let me down, even the best ones in my life, and I have let them down.  But because we are close, I cut them slack, just as God (and my true friends!) cut me slack.  And working through those challenges together makes us better people.  It's worth the effort.  Unfortunately, there are still times a friendship needs to come to an end.  To discern this I’ve learned to ask myself some basic questions: do I consistently feel like I'm less or bad about myself after spending time with this person?  Do they respect me and honor my personal boundaries?  Do they have a tendency to bring out the worst in me?  Do they take the time to understand, or do they jump to conclusions?  If a consistent, negative pattern emerges, I’ve learned to respectfully but firmly bring the relationship to a close. And when I have opened up that space, stronger and richer relationships have been allowed to enter in.

All of us need relationships.  Research shows time and time again the benefit of having genuine, close friends.  Such friends are gifts.  They are the ones who are there for me through thick or thin, come hell or high water.  They are the ones who are willing to tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.  And even if I don’t listen, they still love me, accept me, and make me feel safe and secure in our friendship.  They don’t tell me, “I told you so.”  They don’t judge me.  They just love me and are committed to helping me on my journey, and I do the same for them.  These are special, intentional relationships.  These are the relationships to water, cultivate and grow.

For further thought:  Researcher and author Brené Brown says, “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. [It’s] the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”   What does this mean to you?  Post your thoughts :-)