Trusting God's Timing

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Jesus was asked to do things he didn’t necessarily feel he was ready to do.  Picture him in the earliest days of his ministry.  He had just called the first disciples to him.  We pick up the story with Jesus at a wedding feast with his guys, relaxing and enjoying some of his last moments of "normal," knowing full well that soon He would travel and suffer and ultimately die on the cross for each one of us.  Since he knew what was ahead of him, did he relish this special evening more?  Perhaps, on a night full of twinkling stars, of laughter and dancing and fun, a night where two friends formally embraced their newfound love, all he wanted to embrace was that moment, the calm before the storm.  Maybe Jesus wanted to simply be. 

But after a full evening of celebration, the wine runs out.  His mother already knows Jesus is special, that He has miraculous powers, so Mary pulls Jesus in.  He responds by saying, "Dear woman, why are you telling me this?  It is not yet time for me to begin my work."  Ignoring Him (God love mothers!), Mary instructs the servants to do whatever Jesus tells them to do and leaves.  

Jesus had a choice.  He didn't feel it was His time.  Perhaps he didn't think he was ready.  He didn't want to move completely, publicly forward yet.  But what He does astounds me.  He chooses to trust in God and move forward anyway.  It might not have been Jesus' timing, but He trusted that it was God's.  So, he sees six jugs of water and turns them into the very best wine of the night.  It was his first public miracle, and it was unplanned. The Bible tells us, "He thus revealed His glory, and His disciples put their faith in Him" (John 2:1-11).

I like this story because it reminds me that sometimes it doesn't feel like the right timing, whether it's to work out, to make space to connect with God daily, to reach for something better, healthier, or to start something I've felt called to start. This story tells me: Do it anyway.  If we wait until everything is convenient and easy, until everything is laid out neatly and clearly a go sign, we may never go!  There are always obstacles and road blocks as we move forward on our path, and doing the good we know we ought to do matters to God.

Consider James 4:17 which says, "In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don't do it, that, for you, is evil."  And what is evil?  It's the gunk that messes us up, that keeps us from seeing God's face in the midst of our challenges, and the ugly things that tear at our soul and keep us awake at night.  I think that's a steeper price to pay than overcoming my fear or laziness or insecurities or comfort or whatever obstacle it is that I face and start moving forward.  

So, if God has put something on your heart, don't be afraid to start.  If God has called you to it, the obstacles and challenges you face will be overcome.  Lean into him, take a deep breath and leap into the unknown.  I can tell you firsthand beautiful things happen when we do.

For Further Thought:  What is something "good" you feel nudged to do but haven't done yet?  Even if it's inconvenient and challenging, make space this week and start.  And hold onto this thought when you feel overwhelmed:  "I can do everything God asks me to with the hope of Christ who gives me the strength and power" (Philippians 4:13). 

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Being a Blessing

I am oftentimes struck by how very good my God is to me.  He's the peace I find in the midst of the storm, the sense of comfort I feel when I'm hurt or distressed, and the joy that can overwhelm me to tears when I look over my life's path and see the loving care He has showered on me all long the way.  I am proud to be His daughter.  But sometimes I forget that, just like any parent, God also has those moments of joyful pride in me.  

Stop and think about that for a minute.  The God of the universe, the creator of all that is known and unknown, seeks over all the world to find those whose hearts are committed to Him (Jeremiah 17:10; 2 Chronicles 16:9).  And when He sees you and me striving to follow Him in our own fumbling way, it brings Him joy.  Consider the following:

• "The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love" (Psalm 147:11)
• "For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with victory" (Psalm 149:4)
• "...He is pleased with those that try to do it right" (Proverbs 11:20)
• "...He delights in people who are trustworthy" (Proverbs 12:22)
• "The Eternal your God is standing right here among you, and He is the champion who will rescue you.  He will joyfully celebrate over you; He will rest in His love for you; He will joyfully sing because of you like a new husband" (Zephaniah 3:17)

When I am in the midst of confusion or pain but choose to trust Him in circumstances I don't understand, His heart swells with pride in me.  When I praise Him in the midst of blessing, acknowledging Him in the good moments of my life, it delights His heart.  When I stand up and fight against my own traitorous thoughts, the ugliness that gets in the way of me being able to see His face, it pleases Him.  When I get the chance to share about Him with someone who doesn't know Him, He calls me beautiful (Romans 10:15).  

Have you ever thought about that before?  That you have the ability to bring joy to God's heart?  That just as your heart swells when your own child or dear friend experiences break through or victory or blessing, God's heart swells the same way for you?  That when we selflessly give, His response is to jubilantly sing?  Those are powerful, life-breathing, joy-giving thoughts!  The Creator of the world who has loved us and blessed us so richly actually sees us as a blessing in return.  Wow!  

So the next time you're feeling beat up or beat down, remember that regardless of how many times you fail, God is rooting for you to keep trying.  And every time you keep trying, He is right there cheering you on.  Every time you fight back, He is standing behind You singing encouragement into your soul, and every time you win the battle, He joyfully celebrates over you.  Even if your acts of faith don't matter to anyone else, they matter deeply to God.  Even if others demean you, God delights in you.  And in the end, He promises to crown you with victory.    

For Further Thought:  Think of some positive decisions you made this past week, big or small.  Write them down.  Then, take a moment to envision God looking over the list with you, a proud Papa who is pleased to celebrate each of these moments together.  As you move forward, pull to mind that image of God smiling over you when you make a positive choice, and rooting for your victory when you stumble regardless of what anyone else around you does.  Remember He chooses to sing over you!  Hold that thought close to your heart, so your heart can smile, too, regardless of your circumstance.  

Working Through Fear

"Peter, suddenly bold, said, 'Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water.'"

Matthew 14:28

I've had to wrestle with a lot of fear lately.  I've had to fight to keep getting to a place of surrender, all the while feeling a bit of guilt, like somehow if I were more spiritual, I wouldn't feel fear to begin with.  I would simply trust God and feel at peace.  But God, as He so often does, gently reminded me last week that the truth is a bit different than that.

It started when I was asked to speak to a group of business professionals.  As a business owner, I have a real heart for helping other business leaders, so I eagerly agreed without even knowing the topic yet.  As fate would have it, I found out the very next day I would be speaking on--surprise!--overcoming fear.  Clearly God is not without a sense of humor, or expert timing!

Dutifully, I hunkered down and started reading and exploring this concept of fear.  I was reminded by Laurie Beth Jones in her book, Jesus: CEO, that I'm not alone.  Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, wrestled deeply with fear.  I saw Him in the garden of Gethsemane, on his knees crying out to God to take away the penalty of the cross, to find another option for removing our sins so we could be reconciled to God.  So intense was this fear, knowing He would bear the weight and punishment of our sins, that He prayed so earnestly his sweat began to turn to drops of his own blood, his facial capillaries bursting from the stress.  That's pretty intense!  But Jesus made the choice to face his fear head on and to move forward despite it.  And all of our lives are forever changed because of that decision.

THE EFFECTS OF FEAR
Fear can be paralyzing.  It can become my excuse to stay put and stay stuck, to no longer listen to the urgings God is whispering in my ear.  For a full year I had a quote in my car by John Shedd that says, "A ship in harbor is safe--but that is not what ships are built for."  I knew God was calling me to leave the harbor, but the harbor has such a false sense of security to it.  I know the harbor; I understand what happens there.  I have a false sense of control--false because a boat can still get destroyed in a harbor.  That sense of control is an illusion.  Still, the open sea can seem infinitely more scary, full of many more unknowns.  Yet I'm not called to live a safe life.  I'm called to live a bold, Jesus-driven life full of faith and new paths of adventure.  So, I held onto that quote to remind me to move away from what felt safe and toward Jesus' voice calling me elsewhere, to take that leap into the unknown.

When I take a leap of faith with God, whether it's surrendering the outcome of something or moving in a new direction I feel called to but don't quite understand, I want to feel like this:

And sometimes I do!  I am at peace, I've witnessed the ways God has blessed such leaps in the past, and I jump off the cliff with faith and confidence.  I feel the wind whipping through my hair; my grin grows wider.  I feel incredibly empowered and I soar.

But more often than not, I feel like this:

I have no idea about the final outcome, no clue about where I'm headed, and the fear of dashing myself on the rocks below seems scarily real.  I want to know the game plan.  I want to know exactly where God is leading me to because in my mind, all I can see ahead of me is fear and doom.  These are the moments that keep me awake at night wondering if I've lost my mind, if this Jesus thing is somehow leading me astray.  

What God brought home for me this week is that it's okay.  It's okay that I sometimes flounder and fight, even though God has always been perfectly faithful to me and has never given me a reason to doubt His guidance along my life's path.

GET OUT OF THE BOAT

I am reminded of Peter when he chose to step out of a fishing boat and walk on water toward Jesus.  Just picture it.  Peter and the other apostles had been sent out to sea into the dead of night because Jesus had asked them to.  The wind slowly started picking up, and their tiny boat was being tossed perilously back and forth by the waves.  Then, somewhere between 3 and 5 am, Jesus rocks their world: 

     Deep in the night, when He concluded His prayers, Jesus walked out on the water to His disciples in their boat.  The disciples saw a figure moving toward them and were terrified.  "A ghost!" they said, crying out in terror.  But Jesus was quick to comfort them.  "Courage, it's me.  Don't be afraid."  Peter, suddenly bold, said, "Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water."  He said, "Come ahead."  Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus.  But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his fee, his courage caught in his throat, he lost his nerve and started to sink.  He cried, "Master, save me!"  Jesus didn't hesitate.  He reached down and grabbed his hand.  Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?  Why did you doubt and dance back and forth between following Me and heeding fear?" (Matthew 14:26-31)

All of the apostles witnessed a miracle that night.  They all saw with their own eyes Jesus walking toward them on the water.  But only Peter got to experience walking on the water himself.  Only he got to experience a deeper taste of the divine.

Sometimes in life, Jesus calls us to step out of the boat.  Many fears beckon us not to.  What if I fail? What if I succeed?  What if I drown?  What if I lose my way?  Who am I? And the list goes on and on.  But when you and I are willing to take those fledging steps forward, powerful things happen.  Through God, we do things we thought were impossible; we experience in a richer way the powerful and diving nature of the God we worship.

I'm learning that it's okay that I face fear sometimes.  If Jesus, who was perfect, had to wrestle with fear, who am I to think that I won't?  The key to moving through fear is to keep my eyes on Jesus.  When the waves and challenges start to grab my focus, when I start to look at myself again, that fear is going to creep back in.  But Jesus is right there, reaching down to grab a hold of my hand and pull me back up.  He's not mad at me.  He's not chastising me.  He gets it because he's been there.  He understands that I sometimes do that unhappy dance back and forth between following Him and heeding my own fears.  Still, he doesn't hesitate to help me.  Even when I don't sense his hand right away, it doesn't mean he isn't patiently reaching toward me.

NEXT STEPS
So what about you?  What are some of the fears you have that keep you from reaching for the goals and dreams God has laid on your heart?  Are you working to make sure your goals and dreams are God's goals and dreams for you, or are you just doing what you think is best?  One thing I can tell you with certainty:  stepping out of the boat toward Jesus is always worth it in the end.  His hand alone gives you the ability to experience the divine in the midst of the day-to-day.  Take some time this week to offer up your fears and dreams to God, to ask him to direct your path and give you the courage to move forward onward.

My Messy Prayer

I'm a perfectionist at heart.  I was that kid who thought living the Brady Bunch life was achievable, that if I just did things perfectly right, everything would be okay in the end.  My family would be great.  My marriage would be great.  I'd be great.  Ha!  Life didn't have a problem reminding me rather quickly of how far-fetched that notion was.  

So I turned to christianity.  I figured God was pretty powerful, and if I did everything right, in the end I'd have great kids, a great marriage and a great life.  After all, God would be guiding me and He's perfect, so everything would work out if I was just humble and leaned into Him.  Yeah ... well.  That didn't work out too well, either.

It took time for me to get it, to really understand what it means to walk with God with no agenda, but simply because I love Him.  It took time for Him to pierce through my stubbornness so I could see the heavy chains of perfectionism wrapped all around me, their chunky hardness weighing me down and slowly sapping my strength.  It took time for me to realize there were other heavy chains wrapped around me, too.  

Yes, there are moments when I let go of every one of those chains, and the freedom I experience is heady and beautiful.  God leaps me forward toward growth and healing in their midst, and I relish them.  My moments of freedom continue to grow in number and length, and they bring deep joy.  But yes, there are also moments when I find myself picking up those very chains yet again, so used to the weight and the feel of them I forget Jesus gave me the key to unlock them long, long ago.  Even still, God helps me reach forward toward growth and healing through those times, too, reminding me every chain has a lesson it can teach me if I'm willing to listen and learn.

I wrestle with God.  I yell and get angry.  Fear can wash over me like a raging tsunami, ready to swallow me whole and carry me away.  I get messy with Him and tell Him what I'm feeling, even when I know what I'm feeling is ugly and wrong.  Even when I know it comes from yet another chain I've picked back up but somehow I blame Him for it.  And you know what?  He actually listens.  He doesn't smote me.  He doesn't banish me or vote me off the island.  He listens and commiserates or gently challenges but ultimately He helps me to open back up my tightly clenched fists, the ones that are strained and red from the effort of holding onto such heavy chains, so I can once again let go.

So, here is my messy prayer, the prayer that is every bit as real and heartfelt as my prayers of gratitude and thankfulness, or my prayers for those I love.  It's my spiritual wrestling match written out with pen on paper; it shows a heart that loves God but is still broken and weak.  It's a prayer that acknowledges I always will be to one degree or another in this life, and that's okay because God's grace is sufficient for me.  This is from my prayer journal just three days ago, written from a hotel room I had also stayed in eight years earlier.

MY MESSY PRAYER:
     "Dad, this is my attempt to get my true heart out with you and not stuff my emotions into a god box of my own making. It’s probably gonna get ugly.

      I’m mad, Papa.  I know it’s not right and I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m mad.  I can’t believe I’ve been single for 8 years next month.  I can’t believe I’m 51 and I’ve placed myself back into a position where everything is tight financially. Everything You showed me felt different than this somehow.  And you know I didn’t need to go for any of what You've called me to do.  You know I spent a few years fighting You because I really didn't want to do it (build a ministry).  I just wanted to build my business and be in a situation where I could help my kids, enjoy life a bit and be financially secure.  Those aren’t ungodly things.  They are, in fact, routine blessings I’ve seen You give my brothers and sisters, things I could’ve had if I’d ignored Your calling and kept going on the path I’d found, a path that was happy by the way!  I’d be in a very different place right now and I’m angry about it I guess.  I know.  

     I’m angry because the last time I stayed in this hotel I weighed less, I was in great shape and had great energy, my business was really launching and I had nowhere to go but up.  Now I feel tired a lot, I’m not in shape and my discipline seems to have gone out the window.  It’s like Your mocking me for thinking I ever had it to begin with.  I can’t seem to get up in the morning.  And financially I’m now borrowing from my retirement, not saving.  You showed me blessing and this isn’t that.

      I know You are more than capable of caring for me.  It’s not that I don’t want to believe in You.  I do.  Then I struggle with wondering if I’m being weak, if I’m being faithless, if I’ve been deceived by the evil one, if I don’t really know the voice of my Shepherd and it’s all an illusion.  But You keep reinforcing that it is You, that You do reach out to us and help guide us. And there are times I’ve seen You come through in really big ways.  Through it all I guess right now I feel tired, weary.

      Today all of what You've asked of me feels like a pipe dream, like a bill of goods I was sold that led me up river and abandoned me there.  I never dreamed of those things for myself, Dad.  Not initially.  Not at all. But now that I’ve chosen to submit to Your “plans” for me,  I’m sitting here waiting. Plus I keep thinking who am I?  I don’t preach like a Rob King or a Priscilla Shirer.  I don’t have anything particularly spectacular to say.  

      I realize You have blessed me in many, many ways, Lord. I know You have allowed some amazing things to happen already.  Yet those big things, the big pieces that all of this is supposed to lead up to, still feel far away and I have no idea how to get there.  I know You made it clear You would do all the heavy lifting.  I know You’ve placed some perfect people in my path to help boost me forward.  Thank You for that!  It’s not that I’m not grateful.  I realize I have to pick up my end of things and work.  Even writing this helps me to feel more resolve.  It’s like getting out the bad so only the good remains. 

      My prayer, Papa, is that You’d help me to take another big leap forward—in my faith, in this ministry, in my relationships, financially, in any way, toward You.  I hate when I get annoyed at what doesn’t happen and forget what has already been.  I hate when I see Your providence, acknowledge it even, but can’t quite feel it. I hate when my faith flags so badly I see only the ashes of my past defeats and forget the beauty and the bounty that currently surround me.  I know You hate this, too.  I know You hate to see my hurting, especially when it’s a trap from the pits of hell I keep getting tangled up in.  I know what triggered this – the hotel room, ministry finances, the uncertainty of what to do, how much to move forward, how to move forward, blah blah blah.  

      At the end of the day, I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t know why sometimes I sense You asking something of me and I see no result, and sometimes I do.  Or why there are times I do nothing and You just pour Your abundance on me, like an underserved blessing.  I don’t know why my heart can oscillate so.  Well, I do but I hate that it’s the case ;-)  Still, I know You do have all the answers, Papa.  I know the path You have me on is marked out for me even when I don’t understand the way.  I know You are bigger than my emotions, stronger than my failings and richer than my poorest moments.  I know You are always faithful to me even when I feel faithless.  

     So, I choose faith.  I choose belief in You and Your call on my life.  I choose to love You and to cling to You despite my stubborn heart. I choose to love You in season and out of season.  Despite the darkness that sometimes grabs at my heart, I choose light.  I choose life.  I choose faith.  I choose You.   

     I love You, Papa, and I’m learning to love You the way You love me: unconditionally, not based on my perceptions or Your actions or lack thereof, but based on who I know You to be. I choose joy.  I choose to trust in Your goodness, Your providence, Your perfect love for me.  I choose You.  Thank You Dad.  You knew I needed this time of wrestling, and indeed I did.  It’s all Yours.  I lay my life in Your vast, capable hands.  Amen."

FOR FURTHER THOUGHT:

How did you feel reading my messy prayer?  Did it make you feel uncomfortable?  Nervous?  Less alone?  Being messy with God is hard, but it is also freeing.  King David does this throughout the Psalms.  We hear him cry out in Psalm 25, "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.  Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.  See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely the hate me!  Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you."  But just a few psalms later he proclaims, "Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy.  The Lord is my strength and my shield; my hearts trusts in him, and I am helped" (Psalm 28), and in Psalm 30 he adds, "O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit ... You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."  

     God's not afraid of our mess.  It's a daily choice we make to let go of our burdensome chains and open up our hands with faith.  Thought He doesn't always fill them in my timing, I have found again and again that He will fill them up with good things.  And He will for you, too, if you let him.