Website Change

I have changed my blog to a different web host at www.thedentedfender.com.  You will need to sign up again in order to receive my blog to your inbox each week.  Go to the new website on your laptop, desktop or tablet and you will see a column on the right side that allows you to enter your email address and become a subscriber.  Sorry in advance for the inconvenience, and thank you for your patience as we get the newly updated site up and running!  I look forward to getting out new content again next week.

Blessings,
Barb Lownsbury

Little Victories

I remember as a young woman, I really struggled with insecurity.  I mean my fears of what others thought of me ate me up for breakfast, lunch and dinner!  When I became a Christian, I worked hard to let that insecurity go.  I knew in God’s eyes I was enough, and I wanted to own that. One day, in a moment of despair, I sat down with a close friend and confessed, “I’m so frustrated!  This is never going to change.  I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m this horrible, needy person who will never measure up.  I suck!”

My friend gently reminded me of what’s true.  “Barb, you have grown!  I remember when you first started to tackle this.  You struggled with insecurities daily.  This is the first time in nearly 6 weeks you’ve felt this way.  That’s SIX WEEKS!  That’s a lot of growth.”  But it was what she shared next with this recovering perfectionist that truly set me free.

“You know, you may struggle with insecurity in one form or another all your life.  And that’s okay. God never promised perfection in this lifetime.  But what you will notice is that over time, you’ll grow in your ability to handle it, that the weeks will eventually turn into months, and one day you will look back and see how God has transformed you.”

And her words have been true.  I rarely struggle with insecurity these days, and when I tell people I was deeply insecure as a young woman and, in fact, can still struggle with it occasionally now, they look at me skeptically.  I’ve literally had people tell me, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t picture you that way.” And my heart smiles because I realize that God has been faithful to me, pulling me forward to a brighter, happier space as I’ve learned to lean into Him more closely.  

My friend’s wise words remind me of what the Apostle Paul wrote to Titus in Titus 2:11-13: “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men.  It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.”  

Paul reminds me I walk in grace.  Why? Because I need it!  I will never be perfect.  I will always struggle in one form or another.  But God will continue to teach me and teaching often involves learning over time.  There will be some things I pick up quickly and they will come easily for me.  But there will also be things that will be harder for me to learn, and I may wrestle with them in one form or another all of my life.  That’s okay! My life is still changing and transforming into something beautiful, something more like Christ.  And when he comes, my blessed hope, I’m done with the struggling for good!  

So, when you get frustrated with yourself, when you start to feel like you’ll never change and you never could, remember.  Remember that God loves you too much to leave you where you are.  Remember to celebrate the little victories you experience, however small, because it’s the little victories strung together over time that become the transformation we all seek.  Especially remember that we walk in grace.  God doesn’t expect you or me to be perfect.  Jesus came to free us from that heavy burden.  All He asks is that we keep turning to Him and His truths for our lives.  Not perfectly, but consistently.  He’ll do the rest.   

For Further Thought: I talk a lot about surrounding yourself with your spiritual truths.  One of those truths is that you are valued and worthwhile to Christ.  That’s why Jesus chose to die for you – you were worth that to Him!  It’s not because you and I earned it somehow.  When you start to feel like you’re stuck and you won’t ever change, find those scriptures that remind you that God has you and your situation right in His hand, and post them around you conspicuously as the positive reminders we all need that we’re chosen and loved.  Here’s one to consider:  

       Now that we are set right with God by means of this

       sacrificial death, the consummate blood sacrifice,

       there is no longer a question of being at odds with God 

       in any way.  If, when we were at our worst, we were

       put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death

       of his Son, now that we're at our best (saved and set 

       free), just think of how our lives will expand and 

       deepen by means of his resurrection life! (Romans 5:9-

       10)

When you screw up, remember--you can't earn your way into heaven, so quit trying.  Instead, embrace a daily walk with Christ and make space to acknowledge the little 

victories in your life as He expands your understanding and moves you forward toward a deeper, richer space.  

Book Excerpt & Presales

In just one week, we will begin to take preorders for my new book, Using What's Broken to Boldly Shine.  I'm humbled and excited to be able to share with you the message I feel God has laid upon my heart.  I have been getting some early reviews back in and I have been blown away by how positive they have been!  I have spent many, many hours trying to craft a powerful, impacting message of hope and freedom from the spiritual tunnels we find ourselves in, but you just never know how others are going to perceive it until they tell you.  Here's a few that, if I'm being honest, made me tear up a bit:

Barb Lownsbury's writing style is very compelling and immediately draws in the reader from the first word.  I like the way she has outlined Using What's Broken to Boldly Shine to help the reader immediately do something--and offers points that can be taken.  This is a book that deserves a wide read - Jo Anne Lyon, Ambassador General Superintendent Emerita, The Wesleyan Church

From a personal point of view, Barb's approach to friendships and relationships contains some of the best advice I've read.  I was profoundly impacted.  I would recommend this book to anyone who is looking to go deeper in their relationship with God and work through their challenges in a conversational, approachable way. - David Hermon, Professor of Psychology, Marshall University

Barb does a wonderful job of blending Scripture with personal experience.  The reader will leave this book encouraged to keep on, and convicted to put the first things first in their lives.  I encourage anyone who is not sure what or where to go next, to invest time into this study--you will not leave unchanged! - Beth Guckenberger, author/speaker and co-executive director of Back2Back Ministries

Barb's writing is seamless and interesting, easy-to-read yet packed with meaning and reference to so much inspiring and applicable scripture.  Reading Using What's Broken to Boldly Shine is like talking with a spiritual advisor, psychologist, social worker and friend all rolled into one! -Cathy Liggett, award winning author.  

I hope you will consider preordering my book next week.  In the meanwhile, here is a brief excerpt from my chapter on Intentionality:

I love the outdoors. When I lived in Flagstaff, Arizona, there was a National Park trailhead not more than 30 seconds away from my home. I could hike to my heart’s content, inhaling the woodsy fresh scent of the Ponderosa pines, their fallen needles cushioning my every step as I explored the beauty around me. The night sky was so clean and clear, I could see the milky way galaxy just walking out into my backyard. If I took even a few minutes of time, I could easily find a falling star to wish upon. It was, in a word, gorgeous.

I have also lived in places that were anything but gorgeous. There was no innate beauty around me to admire, no nearby natural escapes to wander through. The main parts of town looked unkempt and forlorn. The landscape was monotonous, boring.

I have found life can be much the same way. What God wants for each one of us is a beautiful, amazing journey along a pathway specifically designed for us. Yet all too often, we get so busy making our plans, setting our goals and striving for some future date or situation, that we miss the daily choices and decisions God lays before us that allow our forward movement toward that beautiful, rich path. Our life begins to feel like drudgery because we keep treading the same old rutted, well-worn road we understand but don’t deeply enjoy. We know we want better, but we don’t stop long enough to listen each and every day for the ways the Lord is trying to direct us to the bountiful journey He has marked out for each of us.

Intentionality is all about making plans with God instead of making plans and hoping God will somehow come along for the ride. Do you know how long some researchers say the average New Year’s resolution lasts? Thirty-six hours. That’s it! Without true motivation that comes from developing a vision with and connection to God, our intentions fall by the wayside.

Intentionality in itself is discovering through prayer and reflection with God what steps you need to take and how you will need to take them. It’s more than making plans; it’s making God central to your plan making. Like every other quality we’ve explored, intentionality is a process that grows and evolves with you over time as God directs your steps. 

PREORDERS BEGIN NEXT WEEK!

Gaining Perspective

Wow.  What a journey.  I have a friend who was just telling me about his 30+ year search to find his birth parents.  His childhood had been rough; he wasn't adopted until he was in his middle school years, and had suffered abuse at the hands of his foster parents prior to being adopted.  In his mind his childhood experience had been "less than."  Less than perfect, less than fair, less than ideal.  And because of it, he felt "less than."  

Fast forward a few decades, and he finally discovers not only his birth parents' identities, but also that he has several siblings who were raised with the parents.  With few exceptions, they had all experienced a much tougher childhood than he had.  His experiences paled in comparison.  Most of them viewed my friend as being profoundly lucky for having been raised away from family influence.  Talk about a game changer!  He came to realize his existence, while hard, was actually an improvement over what would've happened had he been kept, and for perhaps the first time feels thankful for his upbringing.  Nothing changed - but everything changed.  It was all a matter of perspective.

How we approach our lives, our challenges, our faith, our families, our friends and our world largely depends on our perspective.  We may not all experience something as dramatic as my friend, able to see in this lifetime the hidden blessing behind times of challenge and suffering.  But each of us can choose to pursue growth and healing in the midst of our struggles, to allow our perspective to be based on faith in God's ability to use everything for our good even when we don't understand.   

Ultimately, we will each of us have dramatic stories to be told when we finally complete our journey home.  Stories of what we overcame, how we persevered, and the powerful victories God helped us snatch from the jaws of certain defeat.  As Christians, we will all have that moment where our temporal perspective will change to an eternal one, and we will understand in incredible detail the divine care we have received.  Paul explains this to us when he shares, "At present, all I know is a little fraction of the truth, but the time will come when I shall know it just as fully as God now knows me!" (1 Corinthians 13:12).  Like my friend, we will count ourselves lucky, for we will have escaped the world for something far better.  Keeping that perspective on Earth helps us persevere.  

For Further Thought:
To be clear, God hates the wrong that is done to us.  There are scriptures too numerous to mention that talk of God's pain for us (and because of us) over wrong choices made.  God doesn't want ugly, hard things to come our way.  It's why He hates sin so much.  He sees the pain it causes us.  But since He is God, He is able to take the ugly moments in our lives and heal us from them emotionally.  He will then actually use them as a blessing for others if we let him.  Isaiah shares about this when he says, "God has sent me to give them a beautiful crown in exchange for ashes, to anoint them with gladness instead of sorrow, to wrap them in victory, joy, and praise instead of depression and sadness.  People will call them magnificent, like great towering trees standing for what is right.  They stand to the glory of the Eternal who planted them" (Isaiah 61:3).  This week, ask God to put someone in your path that you can share with and use your experiences to build into and encourage that individual.  I'd love to hear how it goes!

Evaporating Worry

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The windows were down low.  It was the kind of day where the weather perfectly cooperated, neither too hot nor too cold, so I drove around with my elbow hanging out of the window.  The pleasure of the sunshine on my face and the breeze whipping through my hair barely penetrated my thoughts, though, for they were occupied with many other things.  

There are many ways, big and small, to let the joy get ripped out of our lives.  This particular day I was doubting the path God has me on, but the truth is it could've been any number of things.  Relationships, money, weight, performance, work, kids, politics, church, past failings, you name it - they all have the ability to pull us out of the beauty of the moment and throw us into an ocean of doubt, fear and even self-loathing.  We come up sputtering with anger, or get swept up into waves of emotions that threaten to swallow us whole.

I had music playing in the background on that particular morning.  Somehow a line from a song shot out like an arrow and penetrated my thoughts.  Hillsong United sang, "God of Your promise, You don't speak in vain.  No syllable empty or void."  It struck me, and like a flood many, many scriptures came to mind:

• "The word of the Lord is flawless" (2 Samuel 22:31).
• "The unfolding of Your words gives light" (Psalm 119:130).
• "For the word of the Lord is right and true; He is faithful in all He does" (Psalm 33:4)
• "Heaven and Earth will pass away, but My words will never pass away" (Matthew 24:35).

God speaks over and over and over again about His faithfulness.  The Bible is filled with story after story of God coming through time and time again.  It doesn't always happen the way people expect or when they expect it, but His promise is good and true; His timing, in hindsight, is perfect.  I have experienced this personally in my life times too numerous to count.  It has shown up in the timely word of encouragement I needed, the unexpected blessings, both tangible and intangible, and the many open doors I have been blessed to walk through.  It has especially shown up in my times of trial, God's hand right there beside me, guiding me through the storm to make it to safe pastures, richer for the journey.  In all ways and at all times He has been faithful to me, even when I have felt faithless (another promise He gives - 2 Timothy 2:13).  God is incredibly good!

My worry evaporated in the light of His truth.  God has me.  He really, truly has me.  And He has you!  You are valued.  You are treasured.  You are worth immeasurably more than you can imagine to God.  Nothing in your life escapes His notice or care.  He has actually carved your name into the palm of His hands (Isaiah 49:16).  He never promises we won't have trials or storms in life.  He actually says we will.  But God has overcome the world, and the more we learn to lean into Him, the more powerfully we live at peace in His presence, trusting He has our backs and knows just how to guide us past whatever obstacle it is we face if we simply let Him.  

Secure once again in His loving care, my shoulders relaxed and a smile crept onto my face.  I noted the sunshine; I felt the wind.  Most of all, I remembered to place my burdens squarely where they need to be--into my God's loving, powerful and mighty hands.

For Further Thought:  Jesus said, "Come to me.  Get away with me and you'll recover your life.  I'll show you how to take a real rest.  Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it.  Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep me company and you'll learn to live freely and lightly" (Matthew 11:29-30).  True rest and peace is found with Jesus.  This week: 1) What does that phrase, "learn the unforced rhythms of grace," mean to you?  How can you apply that in your life?  2) Think of the challenges in your own life you hold onto.  Prayerfully offer them up into Jesus' capable hands.  Remember that surrendering doesn't mean a lack of action.  It means trusting God with the outcome.  He will protect you.  

Trusting God's Timing

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Jesus was asked to do things he didn’t necessarily feel he was ready to do.  Picture him in the earliest days of his ministry.  He had just called the first disciples to him.  We pick up the story with Jesus at a wedding feast with his guys, relaxing and enjoying some of his last moments of "normal," knowing full well that soon He would travel and suffer and ultimately die on the cross for each one of us.  Since he knew what was ahead of him, did he relish this special evening more?  Perhaps, on a night full of twinkling stars, of laughter and dancing and fun, a night where two friends formally embraced their newfound love, all he wanted to embrace was that moment, the calm before the storm.  Maybe Jesus wanted to simply be. 

But after a full evening of celebration, the wine runs out.  His mother already knows Jesus is special, that He has miraculous powers, so Mary pulls Jesus in.  He responds by saying, "Dear woman, why are you telling me this?  It is not yet time for me to begin my work."  Ignoring Him (God love mothers!), Mary instructs the servants to do whatever Jesus tells them to do and leaves.  

Jesus had a choice.  He didn't feel it was His time.  Perhaps he didn't think he was ready.  He didn't want to move completely, publicly forward yet.  But what He does astounds me.  He chooses to trust in God and move forward anyway.  It might not have been Jesus' timing, but He trusted that it was God's.  So, he sees six jugs of water and turns them into the very best wine of the night.  It was his first public miracle, and it was unplanned. The Bible tells us, "He thus revealed His glory, and His disciples put their faith in Him" (John 2:1-11).

I like this story because it reminds me that sometimes it doesn't feel like the right timing, whether it's to work out, to make space to connect with God daily, to reach for something better, healthier, or to start something I've felt called to start. This story tells me: Do it anyway.  If we wait until everything is convenient and easy, until everything is laid out neatly and clearly a go sign, we may never go!  There are always obstacles and road blocks as we move forward on our path, and doing the good we know we ought to do matters to God.

Consider James 4:17 which says, "In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don't do it, that, for you, is evil."  And what is evil?  It's the gunk that messes us up, that keeps us from seeing God's face in the midst of our challenges, and the ugly things that tear at our soul and keep us awake at night.  I think that's a steeper price to pay than overcoming my fear or laziness or insecurities or comfort or whatever obstacle it is that I face and start moving forward.  

So, if God has put something on your heart, don't be afraid to start.  If God has called you to it, the obstacles and challenges you face will be overcome.  Lean into him, take a deep breath and leap into the unknown.  I can tell you firsthand beautiful things happen when we do.

For Further Thought:  What is something "good" you feel nudged to do but haven't done yet?  Even if it's inconvenient and challenging, make space this week and start.  And hold onto this thought when you feel overwhelmed:  "I can do everything God asks me to with the hope of Christ who gives me the strength and power" (Philippians 4:13). 

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Being a Blessing

I am oftentimes struck by how very good my God is to me.  He's the peace I find in the midst of the storm, the sense of comfort I feel when I'm hurt or distressed, and the joy that can overwhelm me to tears when I look over my life's path and see the loving care He has showered on me all long the way.  I am proud to be His daughter.  But sometimes I forget that, just like any parent, God also has those moments of joyful pride in me.  

Stop and think about that for a minute.  The God of the universe, the creator of all that is known and unknown, seeks over all the world to find those whose hearts are committed to Him (Jeremiah 17:10; 2 Chronicles 16:9).  And when He sees you and me striving to follow Him in our own fumbling way, it brings Him joy.  Consider the following:

• "The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love" (Psalm 147:11)
• "For the Lord takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with victory" (Psalm 149:4)
• "...He is pleased with those that try to do it right" (Proverbs 11:20)
• "...He delights in people who are trustworthy" (Proverbs 12:22)
• "The Eternal your God is standing right here among you, and He is the champion who will rescue you.  He will joyfully celebrate over you; He will rest in His love for you; He will joyfully sing because of you like a new husband" (Zephaniah 3:17)

When I am in the midst of confusion or pain but choose to trust Him in circumstances I don't understand, His heart swells with pride in me.  When I praise Him in the midst of blessing, acknowledging Him in the good moments of my life, it delights His heart.  When I stand up and fight against my own traitorous thoughts, the ugliness that gets in the way of me being able to see His face, it pleases Him.  When I get the chance to share about Him with someone who doesn't know Him, He calls me beautiful (Romans 10:15).  

Have you ever thought about that before?  That you have the ability to bring joy to God's heart?  That just as your heart swells when your own child or dear friend experiences break through or victory or blessing, God's heart swells the same way for you?  That when we selflessly give, His response is to jubilantly sing?  Those are powerful, life-breathing, joy-giving thoughts!  The Creator of the world who has loved us and blessed us so richly actually sees us as a blessing in return.  Wow!  

So the next time you're feeling beat up or beat down, remember that regardless of how many times you fail, God is rooting for you to keep trying.  And every time you keep trying, He is right there cheering you on.  Every time you fight back, He is standing behind You singing encouragement into your soul, and every time you win the battle, He joyfully celebrates over you.  Even if your acts of faith don't matter to anyone else, they matter deeply to God.  Even if others demean you, God delights in you.  And in the end, He promises to crown you with victory.    

For Further Thought:  Think of some positive decisions you made this past week, big or small.  Write them down.  Then, take a moment to envision God looking over the list with you, a proud Papa who is pleased to celebrate each of these moments together.  As you move forward, pull to mind that image of God smiling over you when you make a positive choice, and rooting for your victory when you stumble regardless of what anyone else around you does.  Remember He chooses to sing over you!  Hold that thought close to your heart, so your heart can smile, too, regardless of your circumstance.  

Working Through Fear

"Peter, suddenly bold, said, 'Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water.'"

Matthew 14:28

I've had to wrestle with a lot of fear lately.  I've had to fight to keep getting to a place of surrender, all the while feeling a bit of guilt, like somehow if I were more spiritual, I wouldn't feel fear to begin with.  I would simply trust God and feel at peace.  But God, as He so often does, gently reminded me last week that the truth is a bit different than that.

It started when I was asked to speak to a group of business professionals.  As a business owner, I have a real heart for helping other business leaders, so I eagerly agreed without even knowing the topic yet.  As fate would have it, I found out the very next day I would be speaking on--surprise!--overcoming fear.  Clearly God is not without a sense of humor, or expert timing!

Dutifully, I hunkered down and started reading and exploring this concept of fear.  I was reminded by Laurie Beth Jones in her book, Jesus: CEO, that I'm not alone.  Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, wrestled deeply with fear.  I saw Him in the garden of Gethsemane, on his knees crying out to God to take away the penalty of the cross, to find another option for removing our sins so we could be reconciled to God.  So intense was this fear, knowing He would bear the weight and punishment of our sins, that He prayed so earnestly his sweat began to turn to drops of his own blood, his facial capillaries bursting from the stress.  That's pretty intense!  But Jesus made the choice to face his fear head on and to move forward despite it.  And all of our lives are forever changed because of that decision.

THE EFFECTS OF FEAR
Fear can be paralyzing.  It can become my excuse to stay put and stay stuck, to no longer listen to the urgings God is whispering in my ear.  For a full year I had a quote in my car by John Shedd that says, "A ship in harbor is safe--but that is not what ships are built for."  I knew God was calling me to leave the harbor, but the harbor has such a false sense of security to it.  I know the harbor; I understand what happens there.  I have a false sense of control--false because a boat can still get destroyed in a harbor.  That sense of control is an illusion.  Still, the open sea can seem infinitely more scary, full of many more unknowns.  Yet I'm not called to live a safe life.  I'm called to live a bold, Jesus-driven life full of faith and new paths of adventure.  So, I held onto that quote to remind me to move away from what felt safe and toward Jesus' voice calling me elsewhere, to take that leap into the unknown.

When I take a leap of faith with God, whether it's surrendering the outcome of something or moving in a new direction I feel called to but don't quite understand, I want to feel like this:

And sometimes I do!  I am at peace, I've witnessed the ways God has blessed such leaps in the past, and I jump off the cliff with faith and confidence.  I feel the wind whipping through my hair; my grin grows wider.  I feel incredibly empowered and I soar.

But more often than not, I feel like this:

I have no idea about the final outcome, no clue about where I'm headed, and the fear of dashing myself on the rocks below seems scarily real.  I want to know the game plan.  I want to know exactly where God is leading me to because in my mind, all I can see ahead of me is fear and doom.  These are the moments that keep me awake at night wondering if I've lost my mind, if this Jesus thing is somehow leading me astray.  

What God brought home for me this week is that it's okay.  It's okay that I sometimes flounder and fight, even though God has always been perfectly faithful to me and has never given me a reason to doubt His guidance along my life's path.

GET OUT OF THE BOAT

I am reminded of Peter when he chose to step out of a fishing boat and walk on water toward Jesus.  Just picture it.  Peter and the other apostles had been sent out to sea into the dead of night because Jesus had asked them to.  The wind slowly started picking up, and their tiny boat was being tossed perilously back and forth by the waves.  Then, somewhere between 3 and 5 am, Jesus rocks their world: 

     Deep in the night, when He concluded His prayers, Jesus walked out on the water to His disciples in their boat.  The disciples saw a figure moving toward them and were terrified.  "A ghost!" they said, crying out in terror.  But Jesus was quick to comfort them.  "Courage, it's me.  Don't be afraid."  Peter, suddenly bold, said, "Master, if it's really you, call me to come to you on the water."  He said, "Come ahead."  Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus.  But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his fee, his courage caught in his throat, he lost his nerve and started to sink.  He cried, "Master, save me!"  Jesus didn't hesitate.  He reached down and grabbed his hand.  Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?  Why did you doubt and dance back and forth between following Me and heeding fear?" (Matthew 14:26-31)

All of the apostles witnessed a miracle that night.  They all saw with their own eyes Jesus walking toward them on the water.  But only Peter got to experience walking on the water himself.  Only he got to experience a deeper taste of the divine.

Sometimes in life, Jesus calls us to step out of the boat.  Many fears beckon us not to.  What if I fail? What if I succeed?  What if I drown?  What if I lose my way?  Who am I? And the list goes on and on.  But when you and I are willing to take those fledging steps forward, powerful things happen.  Through God, we do things we thought were impossible; we experience in a richer way the powerful and diving nature of the God we worship.

I'm learning that it's okay that I face fear sometimes.  If Jesus, who was perfect, had to wrestle with fear, who am I to think that I won't?  The key to moving through fear is to keep my eyes on Jesus.  When the waves and challenges start to grab my focus, when I start to look at myself again, that fear is going to creep back in.  But Jesus is right there, reaching down to grab a hold of my hand and pull me back up.  He's not mad at me.  He's not chastising me.  He gets it because he's been there.  He understands that I sometimes do that unhappy dance back and forth between following Him and heeding my own fears.  Still, he doesn't hesitate to help me.  Even when I don't sense his hand right away, it doesn't mean he isn't patiently reaching toward me.

NEXT STEPS
So what about you?  What are some of the fears you have that keep you from reaching for the goals and dreams God has laid on your heart?  Are you working to make sure your goals and dreams are God's goals and dreams for you, or are you just doing what you think is best?  One thing I can tell you with certainty:  stepping out of the boat toward Jesus is always worth it in the end.  His hand alone gives you the ability to experience the divine in the midst of the day-to-day.  Take some time this week to offer up your fears and dreams to God, to ask him to direct your path and give you the courage to move forward onward.

My Messy Prayer

I'm a perfectionist at heart.  I was that kid who thought living the Brady Bunch life was achievable, that if I just did things perfectly right, everything would be okay in the end.  My family would be great.  My marriage would be great.  I'd be great.  Ha!  Life didn't have a problem reminding me rather quickly of how far-fetched that notion was.  

So I turned to christianity.  I figured God was pretty powerful, and if I did everything right, in the end I'd have great kids, a great marriage and a great life.  After all, God would be guiding me and He's perfect, so everything would work out if I was just humble and leaned into Him.  Yeah ... well.  That didn't work out too well, either.

It took time for me to get it, to really understand what it means to walk with God with no agenda, but simply because I love Him.  It took time for Him to pierce through my stubbornness so I could see the heavy chains of perfectionism wrapped all around me, their chunky hardness weighing me down and slowly sapping my strength.  It took time for me to realize there were other heavy chains wrapped around me, too.  

Yes, there are moments when I let go of every one of those chains, and the freedom I experience is heady and beautiful.  God leaps me forward toward growth and healing in their midst, and I relish them.  My moments of freedom continue to grow in number and length, and they bring deep joy.  But yes, there are also moments when I find myself picking up those very chains yet again, so used to the weight and the feel of them I forget Jesus gave me the key to unlock them long, long ago.  Even still, God helps me reach forward toward growth and healing through those times, too, reminding me every chain has a lesson it can teach me if I'm willing to listen and learn.

I wrestle with God.  I yell and get angry.  Fear can wash over me like a raging tsunami, ready to swallow me whole and carry me away.  I get messy with Him and tell Him what I'm feeling, even when I know what I'm feeling is ugly and wrong.  Even when I know it comes from yet another chain I've picked back up but somehow I blame Him for it.  And you know what?  He actually listens.  He doesn't smote me.  He doesn't banish me or vote me off the island.  He listens and commiserates or gently challenges but ultimately He helps me to open back up my tightly clenched fists, the ones that are strained and red from the effort of holding onto such heavy chains, so I can once again let go.

So, here is my messy prayer, the prayer that is every bit as real and heartfelt as my prayers of gratitude and thankfulness, or my prayers for those I love.  It's my spiritual wrestling match written out with pen on paper; it shows a heart that loves God but is still broken and weak.  It's a prayer that acknowledges I always will be to one degree or another in this life, and that's okay because God's grace is sufficient for me.  This is from my prayer journal just three days ago, written from a hotel room I had also stayed in eight years earlier.

MY MESSY PRAYER:
     "Dad, this is my attempt to get my true heart out with you and not stuff my emotions into a god box of my own making. It’s probably gonna get ugly.

      I’m mad, Papa.  I know it’s not right and I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m mad.  I can’t believe I’ve been single for 8 years next month.  I can’t believe I’m 51 and I’ve placed myself back into a position where everything is tight financially. Everything You showed me felt different than this somehow.  And you know I didn’t need to go for any of what You've called me to do.  You know I spent a few years fighting You because I really didn't want to do it (build a ministry).  I just wanted to build my business and be in a situation where I could help my kids, enjoy life a bit and be financially secure.  Those aren’t ungodly things.  They are, in fact, routine blessings I’ve seen You give my brothers and sisters, things I could’ve had if I’d ignored Your calling and kept going on the path I’d found, a path that was happy by the way!  I’d be in a very different place right now and I’m angry about it I guess.  I know.  

     I’m angry because the last time I stayed in this hotel I weighed less, I was in great shape and had great energy, my business was really launching and I had nowhere to go but up.  Now I feel tired a lot, I’m not in shape and my discipline seems to have gone out the window.  It’s like Your mocking me for thinking I ever had it to begin with.  I can’t seem to get up in the morning.  And financially I’m now borrowing from my retirement, not saving.  You showed me blessing and this isn’t that.

      I know You are more than capable of caring for me.  It’s not that I don’t want to believe in You.  I do.  Then I struggle with wondering if I’m being weak, if I’m being faithless, if I’ve been deceived by the evil one, if I don’t really know the voice of my Shepherd and it’s all an illusion.  But You keep reinforcing that it is You, that You do reach out to us and help guide us. And there are times I’ve seen You come through in really big ways.  Through it all I guess right now I feel tired, weary.

      Today all of what You've asked of me feels like a pipe dream, like a bill of goods I was sold that led me up river and abandoned me there.  I never dreamed of those things for myself, Dad.  Not initially.  Not at all. But now that I’ve chosen to submit to Your “plans” for me,  I’m sitting here waiting. Plus I keep thinking who am I?  I don’t preach like a Rob King or a Priscilla Shirer.  I don’t have anything particularly spectacular to say.  

      I realize You have blessed me in many, many ways, Lord. I know You have allowed some amazing things to happen already.  Yet those big things, the big pieces that all of this is supposed to lead up to, still feel far away and I have no idea how to get there.  I know You made it clear You would do all the heavy lifting.  I know You’ve placed some perfect people in my path to help boost me forward.  Thank You for that!  It’s not that I’m not grateful.  I realize I have to pick up my end of things and work.  Even writing this helps me to feel more resolve.  It’s like getting out the bad so only the good remains. 

      My prayer, Papa, is that You’d help me to take another big leap forward—in my faith, in this ministry, in my relationships, financially, in any way, toward You.  I hate when I get annoyed at what doesn’t happen and forget what has already been.  I hate when I see Your providence, acknowledge it even, but can’t quite feel it. I hate when my faith flags so badly I see only the ashes of my past defeats and forget the beauty and the bounty that currently surround me.  I know You hate this, too.  I know You hate to see my hurting, especially when it’s a trap from the pits of hell I keep getting tangled up in.  I know what triggered this – the hotel room, ministry finances, the uncertainty of what to do, how much to move forward, how to move forward, blah blah blah.  

      At the end of the day, I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t know why sometimes I sense You asking something of me and I see no result, and sometimes I do.  Or why there are times I do nothing and You just pour Your abundance on me, like an underserved blessing.  I don’t know why my heart can oscillate so.  Well, I do but I hate that it’s the case ;-)  Still, I know You do have all the answers, Papa.  I know the path You have me on is marked out for me even when I don’t understand the way.  I know You are bigger than my emotions, stronger than my failings and richer than my poorest moments.  I know You are always faithful to me even when I feel faithless.  

     So, I choose faith.  I choose belief in You and Your call on my life.  I choose to love You and to cling to You despite my stubborn heart. I choose to love You in season and out of season.  Despite the darkness that sometimes grabs at my heart, I choose light.  I choose life.  I choose faith.  I choose You.   

     I love You, Papa, and I’m learning to love You the way You love me: unconditionally, not based on my perceptions or Your actions or lack thereof, but based on who I know You to be. I choose joy.  I choose to trust in Your goodness, Your providence, Your perfect love for me.  I choose You.  Thank You Dad.  You knew I needed this time of wrestling, and indeed I did.  It’s all Yours.  I lay my life in Your vast, capable hands.  Amen."

FOR FURTHER THOUGHT:

How did you feel reading my messy prayer?  Did it make you feel uncomfortable?  Nervous?  Less alone?  Being messy with God is hard, but it is also freeing.  King David does this throughout the Psalms.  We hear him cry out in Psalm 25, "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.  Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.  See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely the hate me!  Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you."  But just a few psalms later he proclaims, "Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy.  The Lord is my strength and my shield; my hearts trusts in him, and I am helped" (Psalm 28), and in Psalm 30 he adds, "O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit ... You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."  

     God's not afraid of our mess.  It's a daily choice we make to let go of our burdensome chains and open up our hands with faith.  Thought He doesn't always fill them in my timing, I have found again and again that He will fill them up with good things.  And He will for you, too, if you let him.  

Book Excerpt: Intentionality with Others

Welcome!  This excerpt is from my upcoming book The Dented Fender: Using What's Broken to Boldly Shine.  This is from my chapter on being intentional in our relationships with others, especially if we've experienced hurt or pain within that relationship.  I'd love to hear what you think in the comment section below!

EXCERPT
One of the most intentional action steps you can take with your key relationships is to apply the principles you’ve learned—vision, connection, connection with others, bravery, intentionality, consistency, boldly shine—to the relationship itself. Take the time to create or re-create a God-given vision for where your relationship can go. Be sure it’s God’s vision for you, not your own vision masked as being God’s.

That means your vision should be realistic. Too often, we create a vision for our relationships, especially our family relationships, loosely based on Leave it to Beaver and The Brady Bunch episodes. Man, have I been there! I got so attached to an ideal that the ideal itself became an idol in my life, something I unknowingly worshipped. I was more interested in maintaining an image instead of embracing what I actually had in front of me. I should have fought to engage with the people I loved in a real, tangible way, to embrace the messiness that comes with family life. But I clung to the illusion over the relationships.

When my vision was an idol, it made me question my decisions, and even struggle to enjoy the good moments because I was too busy worrying and analyzing about what was or wasn’t, or constantly wondering if I was settling, or being too much of one thing or not enough of another. It was exhausting! How freeing it was when I allowed God to smash that idol for me, and replace it with a flesh and blood vision, one that was driven by Christ and not by my need for perfection. Everyone around me benefited from that change.

You will know when your vision is being driven by you, and not by Jesus, by the results you see. Jesus says, “Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit” (Matthew 12:33). Put another way, if your vision comes from God, it will begin to materialize and you will experience positive change.

Here are some examples to consider:

SELF VISION: I want my family to be the best on the block, and for my kids to be really popular.  GODLY VISION: I would like to see my family be connected and close, to support each other even when it’s hard more often than not.

SELF VISION: My spouse and I will wake up every day in each other’s arms, joyful and full of love for each other at all times.  GODLY VISION: My spouse and I will love and respect each other most days.  We will consistently make time for one another.

SELF VISION: I will become the best parent around, and people will step back and take notice of all my effort.  GODLY VISION: I will intentionally work toward growing in my parenting skills, remembering to walk in God’s grace for me, so my kids can benefit.  

SELF VISION: My relationships will be a great example for Christ and motivate people to want to be more like us in order to experience Jesus.  GODLY VISION: My family will embrace our messiness and our challenges so we can become more like Christ, and be an example of hope and the power of what God can do, even through us. 

SELF VISION: I will handle all conflicts at work precisely and effectively so the leadership takes notice and promotes me.  GODLY VISION: I will continue to work on and grow in my ability to work through conflict at work, asking for feedback, so I can more effectively represent Christ. 

Setting vision isn’t about building yourself up, or reaching for perfection; it’s about becoming more like Christ. Letting go of an unrealistic ideal frees you from operating from guilt or from consistent disappointment. There is no such thing as a perfect family, a perfect parent or creating a pain-free childhood for our children, no matter how much we wish it to be. We are not perfect. There was only one person who walked through this life perfectly: Jesus. We still killed Him. Perfection doesn’t guarantee an outcome. Genuine, heart-felt, visionary change that is brave, intentional and consistent allows us to grow and produce good fruit in abundance.

For Further Thought:  Do you have an unrealistic vision in place?  Or no vision?  Obviously I've been there!  I found my relationships grew the most when I set up a realistic vision, which included healthy boundaries and standards for how I should be treated, and chose to embrace the messiness as well as the blessings that come part and parcel in dealing with people.  If you haven't done so yet, set some time aside this week to prayerfully tackle creating a realistic vision (or boundaries and standards) through prayer, scripture, and wise advice.  If you do, it will be a gift you give to both yourself and others over time.  Remember Proverbs 12:26: "The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray."  Thoughtful care matters in relationships!  Don't be led astray like I was; put a thoughtful vision in place.