The Dented Fender: SPE - The Ivory Tower

This was my first post to break 1,000 hits.  I had just finished reading a great book called Wild at Heart.  Having been blessed with two sons, the book touched a special place inside of me.  Below was my very personal response to what I read, and also a response to being back out in the world of dating.  Hope you find something that resonates with you!

It’s beautiful, this ivory tower.  It shines like a beacon, beckoning all to test their mettle and see if they can make the climb.  Carved all around the tower walls are intricately woven vines and roses.  They stand out just enough to grip and climb, but only just enough.  The climb will be a little treacherous, hard.  At the top of this tower awaits the beautiful maiden, the one who will validate you as a man and make all your dreams come true.  You just have to reach her!

It’s a myth, this tower.  And when you place a woman up there, she feels a bit uneasy.  I have found it a heady view that makes me dizzy when I look down.  You see, I know who I am.  I am this wonderful creature, a beautiful daughter of a great King, yes, as are all of my sisters; but I am also fallible and weak.  I have moments of selfishness and ugliness.  In other words, I am simply human.  And the higher I’m placed in that tower, the greater I know I will eventually fall.    

What I’ve come to learn and see is so deeply important for both men and women.  Most men need to battle for the woman.  It’s hard-wired in who they are.  They need to pursue and fight for her.  Letting a man be who he’s destined by God to be is a gift a woman can give him.  But a woman can never validate a man.  She can never become the answer for his soul.  

When a man is looking for a woman to do so, he places them both on precarious ground.  After all, if a woman validates your manhood, it means she’s equally capable of taking it away.  If a man is looking to a woman to “complete” him, as romantic and beautiful as that feels initially, she takes on enormous pressure to somehow become this mythical creature he’s looking for but doesn’t really exist.  

Of course the same is true for women.  We need to believe we are worthy of being fought for, that we are beautiful and special to a man.  We want to be won.  This is hard-wired into the heart of nearly every woman.  Yet if we look to find our validation and our sense of identity and worth solely from a man, we live in desperate fear of being invalidated, of falling off the tower; we fear we will never be beautiful enough.  

I write a lot about challenges and spiritual/emotional tunnels we go through, but I think the relationship tunnel is one of the most prolific around.  Being married or single isn’t a determinant for being in this tunnel, either.  It’s universal in nature and seen everywhere on the planet.  

Exiting this tunnel begins, as so many journeys do, within ourselves.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  Validation comes from God and in owning the unique ways He’s wired us as individuals.  No one can be you.  No one contains the exact measure of strengths, weaknesses, gifts and flaws.  No one can shine quite the way you shine on this earth.  We each have our own role to play.  No one else can play it for you – or give it to you.  Owning who you are before God is the most empowering, validating step you can ever take.

Yes, strong, healthy relationships also validate and empower us.  They bring out our hardwiring and make us better for the process.  There is something special a woman can’t get from other women, just as there’s something special a man can’t get from other men.  We do need each other.  It’s just our sole existence can’t rest exclusively within each other without great peril to the heart and soul.  There has to be a changeless core inside first.  

Without a doubt my most painful blows in life have come from looking for my internal and eternal validation from someone other than God.  A great relationship of any kind will enhance that validation immeasurably, certainly.  A romantic relationship does so in a very intimate, special way.  Yet no relationship can completely fill you.  The challenge for all of us is to resist the temptation to let another person be our sole source of validation.  Refuse to buy into the Ivory Tower myth.  

My dream?  It’s the dream of nearly every wife, every woman, every little girl out there.  I wait for that warrior to battle for me, and to let me know I’m beautiful throughout and I matter.  I want to be pursued for who I am.  Not from some tower high above, but with a man who will take my hand, sword swinging, and lead me through the adventures of this life side-by-side, knowing full well I am flawed just as he is.  Yet we understand and accept each other’s weaknesses.  

We’re there for each other, giving encouragement, love, respect and power for the journey.  We tend to each other’s battle wounds along the way as best we can.  There are spaces in our togetherness.  We both understand there are needs a man has that can’t be filled by a woman, and needs a woman has that can’t be filled by a man.  But we come back better and closer because of the spaces, ready again to charge ahead.  

For Further Thought:  Isaiah 45:24 tells us, "In the Lord alone are deliverance and strength."  Think of the times or situations you're most tempted to find your deepest sense of worth in others.  Offer it up to God this week and pray for the ability to feel validation from Him during those moments.

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The Land of Enough

This post is another Dented Fender favorite.  I still remember the day I wrote it.  I was coming out of a challenging relationship with someone who routinely made me feel less.  It took courage for me to step away and believe God had more in store for me.  As I sat there praying that morning, it felt like God was whispering to me, "You are enough."  From there, the writing just flowed.  It felt like it wrote itself.  And I'm happy to say it has become harder and harder for me to get transported to the land of "I don't deserve."  God is good.  Enjoy!

Daring to believe you deserve great things is a challenge.  Obstacles come your way that can tear at your determination.  Sometimes all it takes is that one extra person, that one poisonous look, that last denigrating comment to trap you back into your own negativity in the land of “I don’t deserve.”  Ever been there?  We tell ourselves we’re no good; we’re too fat to be loved, too weak to defend ourselves, unworthy of experiencing joy and peace and love.  Even when we do experience good things, we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop and the roof to cave back in on us.

I’ve been to the land of “I don’t deserve.”  There are times I get free tickets that transport me there immediately even though I’ve tried to cancel it as a destination spot several times.  But I’ve also been to the land of “Enough.”  It’s my favorite spot to live in actually.  The beaches are warm and welcoming.  The sun feels like it’s always shining even on a cloudy day.  The king of that land knows me by name and likes to walk alongside me, reminding me how much he loves me and wants to bless me.  Just feeling him there beside me is a blessing!  The king never lies to me and tells me I won’t struggle.  Instead, he reminds me he’s already placed inside me all I need to get through whatever challenges and obstacles lie in my path.  I feel centered; I feel at peace.  I matter here.  

When the land of “I don’t deserve” beckons me, or worse, I get transported there again against my will, I’ve learned the first most important thing I can do is actually deceivingly simple – acknowledge it.  However I got there, whatever the reason, in that moment I’m feeling unworthy.  Trying to pretend I’m not is wasted effort.  If I stop and acknowledge my feelings, taking the time, however brief, to figure out what I’m feeling and why, I can start booking my flight back to the land of “Enough.”  

How?  I begin to replace the lies with truth.  When I don’t feel like I deserve good things, I close my eyes and listen as the king whispers to me, “I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future,” (Jer. 29:11).  He follows up with, “You are precious and honored in my sight…I love you,” and “I take great delight in you.  I will quiet you with my love, I will rejoice over you with singing.” (Is. 43:4, Ze. 3:17).  I remember I am not unworthy; I am valued, cherished.  My king loves me and tells me I deserve good things.  Emboldened, I begin the return flight home.  

For further thought: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  What are some ways your thinking needs to be transformed?  Feel free to post your thoughts.

This Will Never Be Different!

As promised, I'm reposting one of my most popular posts.  I think this one resonates with people because feeling stuck is such a universal experience.  How to pull through it effectively isn't, however, so having some direction on how to strongly move forward helps.  Enjoy, and remember to subscribe by adding your email address if you haven't already.  --Barb

“I’m never going to be married.”

“I can never be a good spouse.”

“We can never work through this pain together.”

“I can never forgive myself.”

“I will never change.”

“My situation will never change.”

“I’m never going to be who they need me to be.”

“I’m not going to be able to make it through this.”

Doomed.  Stuck.  Lost.  Hopeless.  Depressed.  Ever been there?  I have, and it stinks.  In those moments I can feel so lost, so defeated, like the very air I breathe has been kicked right out of me.  These are the days I want more than anything to hide under my covers, to wallow in pain, self-pity and anger.  So often, it’s in our most challenging times, our deepest moments of despair, we find we can either break down or break through.  

Believe me, I’ve done both!  The difference, I’ve found, comes down to how I tackle it.  If I turn inward, I stay stuck far longer.  I may come up with solutions in my head and my heart, but they are usually knee-jerk reactions with an air of desperation to them.  Ironically, I’ve noticed my so-called “solutions” born in the heat of the moment rarely produce positive, healthy results over time.  It may give me an immediate fix, but it tends to backfire and send me right back to where I started, feeling even worse for the experience.  Even if my decisions are purely logical, if I leave God out of the process, they just don’t seem to go as well.

When I lean into God instead, it still amazes me what happens.  I get messy with God.  I let him see all my emotion, my pain and hurt.  I never put on masks with Him.  I am always painfully real.  As I do so, He begins to show me what’s broken within me that I need to grow in, or reminds me of my worth and value.  He speaks to me through His word with scriptures, and I make time to listen for His voice and sense His presence, which always brings me a sense of safety and of peace.  The solutions rarely come as quickly when I work through them with God.  He tends to not run ahead nearly as fast as I’d like to.  Yet time and time again, I have found His solutions work, even if they make no sense in the moment.  I grow.  I change.  I genuinely heal.  I have confidence in my decisions because I know I’m walking in step with Him.

I’ve also learned God is much better at diffusing my emotion than I am.  Alcohol and partying just mask it.  Activity just buries it for a while.  Friends help, definitely, but only God can take the maelstrom in my heart and begin to replace it with peace and even joy again.  The more I turn to Him, the quicker I become at letting go of the negative lies and embracing truth – that I am worthy, that He can change me and my situation, that I deserve to have joy and peace in my life because Jesus died to give me those things.  He reminds me of what I can do, and what I need to let go of.  My world can be falling down around me, but He’s still there to hold me and guide me through it all, keeping my heart and my mind safe through the process.

When you next feel attacked emotionally, take some time to turn to God in that moment.  Read some scriptures, spend some time praying.  Do those things that help you feel connected with God.  Take time to be still and listen for His voice.  You will be amazed at the results!

For Further Thought: “In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame. In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress,” (Psalm 71:1-3).  What are some ways you can turn to God when you are feeling emotionally attacked?  Have a plan in place, and spend some time praying with God about it this week. 

Time's Value

Time is the great equalizer.  All of us, no matter who we are, have only 24 hours to a day.  The richest of the rich can’t buy another hour, no matter what price they would pay.  The poorest of poor have the same number of hours in a day as anyone else.  And none of us know the allotment of time we’ve each been given.  Time is a precious commodity never returned. 

Time is my greatest gift.  Since I know it’s finite and will soon be gone, I try to use it as wisely as I know how.  It hasn’t always been this way.  I have had seasons where I’ve martyred my time, grinding through periods of feeling desperately unhappy, but unwilling to do anything about it because I either felt like I needed to be strong, even to my own personal detriment, or because I didn’t value my own needs and self-worth.  I have squandered it, wasted it, been lazy with it, and luxuriated in it.  But where I have landed is to treat time with deep care and respect, intentionally asking God lead me in how I should spend it, and with whom.  It’s made all the difference. 

Once you’re an adult, you always have the power to choose how you will spend your time.  There’s a Tim McGraw song that talks about sky-diving, rocky mountain climbing, and going 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu.  It sounds great in theory (well, maybe not the bull riding!), but how often do you carve out time to do the things that fill you?  When you look at your life right now in this moment, are you making choices that 10 years from now you will look back at and smile about—even if for you that meant riding a bull named Fumanchu?  Are you allowing others to monopolize your time in a way that’s unhealthy, asking for more than you are able to give and not being appreciative of what is given?  Or are you being selfish with your time, always making everything about you?  Are you being stingy and giving it all to a job that on your death bed can’t come to hold your hand, gaze into your eyes and remind you that you are loved?  Or are you floating through it, letting it pass by without thought?  Believe me, I’ve done all of the above!  

The Bible puts it this way: “What, after all, is your life?  It is like a puff of smoke, visible for a little while and then dissolving into thin air,” (James 4:14), and later, “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,” (Ephesians 5:15).  Sometimes we know the way God wants us to go, but we’re afraid to let go of our control and simply trust His path for us is best.  Yet passionate, fulfilled living comes when we step out into the unknown.  In my experience, life is at its richest when we take steps of faith, whether it’s a baby step forward or a giant leap.  When we’re willing to let go and trust God with our limited time, He begins to show up in the most remarkable ways!

My own “passionate leap” for this month will be to take a brief hiatus from The Dented Fender blog.  Each week I will still post the most beloved, highest read posts to give that dose of encouragement we all need.  But I feel like God is calling me to really hunker down and spend some time alone with Him, and some quality time with my family.  It will be a month of kitchen remodeling, writing, lots of laughter, and making memories.  I will travel, take a personal retreat, and wait expectantly for God to guide me toward next steps.  I’m looking forward to it!

I want to encourage you today.  Be intentional about your time!  Refuse to settle for anything less than seeking out God’s direction for your path and then actually following His direction.  He’s the only one who knows how to take you through the gut wrenching, challenging times in a way that can actually make you better for the process.  He’s the only one that can discern if turning in one direction or another will be a fantastic journey or an epic fail.  Make your time count.  There’s a quote that says, “The bad news is time flies.  The good news is you’re the pilot.”  I would change that to say, “The bad news is time flies.  The good news is when God’s your pilot, the journey will be remarkable.”

For Further Thought:  Do you let God direct your path?  Have you spent time asking Him to take control of your personal journey?  If not, I encourage you to do so this week.  And if you already have, take some special time this week to thank God for the ways He’s protected and guided you on along the way.