The Dented Fender: Single Parent Edition

Welcome!  This is our second Single Parent post, brought to us  by Denice Shirley.  Denice is a volunteer on the Dented Fender team, and a dynamic woman who has overcome a lot of adversity in life, only to shine brighter for the process.  As a rape survivor, Denice has some great insights to share.  I hope you find something here that resonates with you.  Enjoy!

Most people enjoy having sex. God created our bodies to enjoy the process of joining together as one during love making.  Sex is one of the greatest parts of His plan for us, so, why would it not be okay to have sex when my body craves to be loved, held, touched, and released?  

God is the Master Strategist.  Everything He created was crafted for a purpose and a plan for accomplishing His perfect will.  Sex is no exception.

  

Have you ever planned an event, like a birthday party, wedding, or retirement party, for someone special?  You knew exactly what was needed to make this event an unforgettable occasion for that special person.  You searched for just the right caterer to serve the most delectable food.  You booked the best DJ that would play just the right songs and create the perfect atmosphere for the occasion. You sent invites to the people that would make the receipient smile to see them present.  

When that day arrives, you make sure everything you planned is perfectly in place.  Ah, but the DJ calls 5 minutes before his arrival time and cancels due to an unexpected situation.  You are absolutely devastated.  This is not how you planned it to be.  Now you will have to settle for getting Uncle Bobby to change the CD in the Boom Box.  This is exactly what God does not want you to have for in your life.  He doesn't want you to settle for Uncle Bobby with the Boom Box…and that is what we get when we take what God crafted for His good, divine purpose and put it into our own hands. 

Sometimes we are not given a choice to have that perfect music for us to dance to from the perfect DJ.  Someone may have been that unexpected cancellation and took what should have been a beautiful experience from you.  If you have been touched or rapped, as many have (including myself) as a young child, your thoughts about sex and what God intended for good may be distorted.  God still has a plan and purpose for you in that, too. He is in the restoration business.  He doesn't leave you to rot in the things that happened to you, or what others took from you, or your choices that may have you feeling stuck, unworthy, and not good enough or attractive.  Jesus died so that you may have life and life more abundantly (John 10:10).  He will take all of that and turn it around for your good (Romans 8:28). 

God wants you to enjoy what He created for good. He created sex to bind a two people together in marriage.  It wasn't just some side thing added for us to play around with for our own pleasure.  It is probably one of the greatest gifts that God gave us and, of course, the enemy takes pleasure in our misunderstanding, misuse, and abuse of that gift.  That's his job, to steal (your joy), to kill (your purpose), and to destroy (your future) (John 10:10).   When we choose to have sex outside of what God planned, it is like being close to the point of starvation and only being able to smell the aroma of your favorite dish.  You can only get a sniff of what God has planned for you.  The aroma smells really good, but it only brings pleasure to one of your physical senses.  Sex does just the same.  You may find pleasure for a moment, but it still leaves you empty inside.  You are still craving what God intended and the delicious dish He has prepared for you.  This dish is full of peace and leaves your soul satisfied.  This dish is fulfilling and never leaves you thirsting for more.  

So back to the original question…why is it okay to have sex?  That is something you need to answer for yourself.  God does not force us to choose His Word, but His Word is a lamp to our feet, and a light to our path (Psalms 119: 105).  When we choose to follow the path He has lit for us, we have a clear vision for our future.  If your choice is to fulfill your desires in your own way, you choose all that comes along with it.  I encourage you to find out your “why this is okay” if that is your choice.  I encourage you to seek God's wisdom.  

You may find that your reason for engaging comes from past hurtful situations.  For me, it was two-fold.  My first why stemmed from my parents divorcing when I was twelve years old.  My father was the man that I received my validation from of being a beloved daughter.  He gave me the stability of knowing who I was as a little girl, and the confidence to know I was beautiful.  When he left our home, all of that left as well.  He did not continue the father-daughter relationship, so unknowingly, I began seeking a father's love from men--any man that would hold me for a night.  

I had to dig a little deeper for my second why, because I did not enjoy being in any man's arms and having sex within the moment, but I did not know why I couldn't seem to say "no".  I realized it stemmed from being molested by a family member at a very young age.  That experience taught me I was created to bring pleasure to a man no matter what, and saying no was not an option.  When God opened my eyes to my why, He opened my eyes to being validated and beautiful in Him.  He opened my eyes to who he created me to be.  Did I still struggle?  Absolutely.  But he continued to restore me, heal me, and make me beautiful in Christ.  It was a process that took me turning completely to Jesus and completely trusting in His Word.  He will not give up on doing the same for you.  He loves you unconditionally and has a party with the best meal, music, and people prepared just for you.  He wants to be that reason “why,” and if you let Him, He will bring you an indescribable peace that only comes from a relationship centered on God. 

Barb’s Thoughts:  Sex has become a very controversial subject for many Christians.  Regardless of where you land, I hope this helps you think through your choices and feel more confident within those choices.  Psalm 119:105 & 107 says, “Your word is a lamp for my fee and a light for my path … I have suffered much, O Lord; restore my life again, just as you promised.”  Remember, God’s word is meant to free us, to guide us toward a better life experience, and ultimately to a greater reality in heaven.  This week, spend some time considering some new ways to let God guide you in this area, and on understanding the “why’s” behind your choices in a deeper way.    

Don't Give Up

I slowly slide down the wall, my legs giving way as I collapsed in a heap.  My eyes welled up with unbidden tears, blinding me as they spilled over and forged a silent path down my face.

“Mom, are you alright?” my son asked from the hallway. 

I touched my lips with trembling hand, as if that act alone could make my voice sound clear and strong.  Inhaling deeply, I summoned strength from somewhere deep inside, steadied myself, and answered from behind my bedroom door, “Yep!  Just tired.  I’m gonna take a quick nap.”

As my son trotted back down the stairs, satisfied, I dropped my head into my hands and felt the floodgates open as I silently sobbed.  Fear and pain gripped me tight and wouldn't let go. Where would the money come from for groceries that week?  Heck, where would the money come from to buy gas so I could get to work to try and make money to buy groceries?

I raised my tear-stained eyes up to God, bewildered.  How had I landed in this space?  Why?  Tremulously I whispered, “Dad, I know You say You don’t give us more than we can handle, but I can’t handle this.  Please …. please help me.  I know there’s got to be an end to this tunnel, but I don’t see it yet.  I’m at the end of my rope, Dad.  Please, tie a knot in it for me so I can hang on.”

In that moment, I didn’t know within a week I would have a solution.  I didn’t know that a year later my business would grow to the point where I’d be okay, and that a few years later I would be moving into a new home I would buy on my own.  I didn’t know how rich and beautiful the other side of the tunnel would be, and the many great friends I would make along the way.  In that moment, all I knew was the darkness and fear swirling around me, threatening to suffocate and swallow me whole.  Yet even then, as I cried and prayed and begged for strength and solutions, I felt God’s presence gently envelope me, reminding me He did have my back and that He would lead me through my tunnel powerfully.  At the end of the prayer and the tears, I felt peace and strength to stand back up again for that day. 

There would be many, many days like that for me in those early stages of walking through my tunnel of being a newly single parent of three, newly back to the work force, and with very limited child support coming in.  As I look back now on that time, I marvel at how faithful God was to me, how incredibly protective and caring He was.  I have story after story of how He showed up and rescued me from scary, life-altering situations.  And as much as I hated that time in my life, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  I learned to walk hand-in-hand with God in a way I’d never experienced before, even though I’d felt quite close to Him prior.  The lessons I learned of bravery and courage, of grace and peace, and the personal truths I found were and are magnificent gifts beyond compare.

I don’t know where you’re at in your journey, if you’re in the midst of a dark tunnel or emerging out into the sunshine.  But I do know this: we all have dark tunnels in life we have to go through.  Divorce, death, bad relationships, lack of relationships, struggling loved ones, financial challenges, work challenges, health challenges—it’s a long, long list.  Yet every day you and I have an opportunity.  We can run and hide from our challenges, or we can learn in a deeper way how to turn them over to God and trust in His leading.  It’s not about picking yourself back up by the boot straps and forcing yourself forward; it’s about handing the reins of your life back over to God.  It’s about deeply knowing: “Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let [my] foot slip—he who watches over [me] will not slumber,” (Psalm 121:1-3). 

God has plans for you.  They’re good plans, too!  His plans are full of healing and blessing, of fresh adventures and bright paths.  I want to encourage you today.  Don’t give up!  No matter how hard, no matter how tough, no matter how defeated you feel or impossible the road looks before you, God is by your side and He can handle it.  He is so much bigger than the little box we tend to put Him in.  He can take your judgement, your fear, your anger, your anxiety, your mistakes—even the really big ones—and get you moving forward again.  To Him, you are worthy, worthwhile, precious and loved.  Always.  Simply because you’re His.     

For Further Thought:  "O my soul, come, praise the Eternal with all that is in me--body, emotions, mind, and will--every part of who I am--praise His holy name. O my soul, come, praise the Eternal; sing a song from a grateful heart; sing and never forget all the good He has done.  Despite all your many offenses, He forgives and releases you.  More than any doctor, He heals your diseases.  He reaches deep into the pit to deliver you from death.  He crowns you with unfailing love and compassion like a king.  When your soul is famished and withering, He fills you with good and beautiful things, satisfying you as long as you live.  He makes you strong like an eagle, restoring your youth," (Psalm 103:1-5).  This week, find a quiet spot and read this scripture out loud.  Next, read it aloud again, but this time insert your name in all the places it says "me," "my," "I" or you/your."  Then pray, thanking God for what is good in your life, no matter how small or simple.  This is a powerful exercise!  I'd love to hear how it went so feel free to post.      

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The Boxer

Muhammad Ali once said, “The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses—behind the lines, in the gym and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.”  And dance he did!  He danced his way into double digit boxing championship titles, a gold medal, Fighter of the Year, Boxer of the Year, and the boxing Hall of Fame.  That’s not even touching on his numerous honorary and character awards.  Considered to be one of the greatest boxers of all time, Ali firmly believed the long, grueling hours of demanding and rigorous training, working past the point of comfort and into the realm of suffering, was the secret of his success.  In his mind, that’s what made him great.     

I’ve always found it interesting that God refers to fighting a lot in the Bible.  He challenges us to “fight the good fight,” to take up, “the shield of faith … and the sword of the Spirit,” (1 Timothy 6:12, Ephesians 6:15-17).  Even King David said in Psalm 144:1, “I praise you Lord!  You are my mighty rock, and you teach me how to fight my battles,” and, “He trains my hands for battle.  My arms can bend even the strongest bow,” (2 Samuel 22:35).  Clearly God has strength and victory in mind for us.

Where it gets tricky, at least for me, is when I start confusing the way the world prepares for battle, whether it’s in the boxing ring or the board room, with the way God would choose to prepare me.  In the world, it’s all about boning up on your skills, making sure you have all your facts memorized, all your ducks in a row, all your creative juices flowing and your confidence ramped up high.  All this pressure is placed on you to not only perform, but to perform well. 

I’ve seen this attitude carried into the faith arena.  “Faith” can quickly become how many scriptures you can quote, how many spiritual books you’ve read, how many sacrifices you’ve made or how many hours you’ve spent serving others.  And while these are all good and important things to do, when they alone become the focus, we miss the whole point. 

God’s ways are not our ways.  He says this so many times throughout the Bible it’s impossible to miss!  The secret I’ve learned, the freedom I’ve found, has come from understanding just two simple words: obedient faith.  That’s it!  God’s ultimate training routine for me = obedient faith.  If God calls me to something, I’ve come to see and experience it’s because doing that something is the very best thing for me.  And the more I trust and submit, the more I grow.  This growth isn’t based on how much I do or how much I know; it’s not based on my ability to discipline myself to obey even.  It’s based on God’s crazy awesome, incredibly deep, never ending and always abiding love for me.  I absolutely believe with 100% of who I am that God loves me, believes in me (despite myself) and only wants joy and goodness for my life.  Since I believe that of Him, I’m able to trust in Him, and my obedience flows naturally from that trust.

It doesn’t mean my life is problem free.  I have regular battles I have to fight in my life.  There are attacks from friends, and attacks from foes.  There are internal battles where I have to wage war against my own negativity and insecurities.  Sometimes outside circumstances sneak in and sucker punch me from behind.  I’ve definitely been bloodied.  Yet every time I turn back to my training and choose to trust in God and obey His leading because I know He loves me, He really does work through everything for my good (Romans 8:28). Every. Single. Time.

My victories, like Ali’s, are definitely decided behind the lines.  But instead of training my physical muscles, I train my spiritual muscles, my weapons of faith and trust.  Faith truly becomes my shield.  It protects me and keeps me strong.  Yes, I memorize scripture, but not so I can say I’ve done so or to impress anyone else.  No, it’s because His words become the powerful, sharp sword I swing in battle so I can defeat the negative lies that swirl around me and others.  I obey not because it earns me anything, but because it’s what breeds abundant peace and joy in my life.   

What about you?  Have you felt knocked around lately, bruised and defeated?  Remember—it won’t be your own determination that will get you back up off the mat and into the ring; it will be God’s love wrapping around you, healing you from the inside out, and strengthening you with confidence so you remember you never really have to fight a battle.  God fights all of them for you.

For Further Thought: “Any one of you can defeat a thousand enemy soldiers because the Lord God fights for you, just as He promised,” (Joshua 23:10).  I encourage you this week—invite God into your battles.  Let go of the need to prove yourself, or to think it’s somehow all up to you, and release it back into God’s hands.  Then take the time to listen to the ways He may be nudging you to move forward.  You will be amazed at the results!

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