The Comparison Trap

Einstein once said, “Everyone is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”  I hate to admit it, but I have spent many years doing just that.  It’s so unbelievably easy to begin judging yourself by the wrong standard!  When I compare myself to something I’m not, namely other people, it robs me of who I am meant to be.  Even if I compare myself favorably, the end result is the same.  Any standard you use to measure yourself against that is different from who you’re designed to be is a standard that will always leave you feeling insecure, unsure and unfit.

So if I define myself by money, which I have done, my worth becomes completely enmeshed in how much I have or don’t have.  This is a precarious place to be because for the vast majority of us there is always someone out there with much, much more.  Money can also be taken from you.  And frankly, you can be an absolutely miserable human being by any definition of that word and have quite a bit of money. 

If I define myself by looks, which I have done, I become a victim of time.  Last year’s face had a few less lines, a few less flaws and wrinkles.  Even though I push myself physically, at some point I have to acknowledge I can’t do quite as much as I could before.  When I look around, there is always someone better looking, younger, thinner, or in better shape than I am.  Putting hope in appearance is like stepping onto something that looks like a sunny spot on the beach only to later realize it’s quick sand. 

In my life, I have judged myself by the quality of my relationships, the quantity of my relationships, my performance, my skills and talents, my ambition and discipline, my renown, my control, my emotional stability, my parenting, my position and even my faith.  I feel either high or low depending on how I rate myself, all the while using others as my comparison point. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, I suspect there are things here that sound familiar to you if you were writing out a list of your own. 

One of the most beautiful, freeing things I have ever done was to say good-bye to that crazy list altogether and to quit defining myself by anyone else’s standard, even my own.  Instead, I’ve embraced a deeper richer truth: God loves and accepts me unconditionally, apart from my performance.  All He asks is that I love Him in return.  How well I learn to love and trust Him doesn’t dictate His love for me, either.  His love is there regardless.

The more I learn to receive and accept His love, the more I am able to hear His direction in my life and head down the path He would have me walk.  Sometimes the road He asks me to take is scary because I can’t see where it leads me.  Sometimes the path is frustrating because I think I know the way I should go so I run ahead of God only to get lost on a side path.  Yet God is always right there, leading me forward.

A crazy thing happens the more I learn to simply walk the path God has marked out for me.  I begin to find the unique, remarkable individual genius God has placed within me.  I see more clearly my inner contributions that only I can give this world for there is no one else quite like me.  Instead of comparing myself to others, I can embrace my own truths, which in turn frees me up to simply love and accept people for who they are.  After all, they’re not called to be me anymore than I’m called to be them!  So I can celebrate their victories, share their joy and their tears, and love them more unconditionally because I’m not trying to be them.  I’m simply encouraging them to be the best version of themselves God created them to be.  And they do the same for me. 

For Further Thought:  Psalm 139:14 says, “I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.”  We are also told in 1 Corinthians 12:14-18, 27, “I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, 'I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,' would that make it so? If Ear said, 'I’m not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,' would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it … You are Christ’s body—that’s who you are! You must never forget this. Only as you accept your part of that body does your “part” mean anything.”  What can you do this week to step further away from comparing yourself to others and move more closely into who you have been designed by God to be? 

Revelation

I had a revelation today.  I was thinking through this past year, all the goals God had laid on my heart, and how remarkably nearly all of them had materialized.  It’s been a year of abundant blessing after leaving a season of strong storms.  I have taken the time to celebrate God’s victories in my life, to honor Him and others for those blessings.  I deeply believe in marking moments, of acknowledging the victories in life because I think God wants me to!  That way, when the next storm hits I have these moments as all-important reminders of His faithfulness to me.

Still, being the driven soul I am, I have to admit my thoughts drifted quite quickly from the many blessings to those few goals left that hadn’t materialized.  I was sort of frustrated about one area in particular because it’s the one thing I most wanted.  I asked God why not this one thing, this one key area?  Why couldn’t this one area come to fruition? 

And—here comes the revelation—God answered me in a most unexpected way!  He didn’t remind me to be patient, as He has in the past. He didn’t tell me He had my back so I didn’t need to worry.  Nope!  Instead, He gently reminded me it wasn’t going to be that one more thing that would complete my happiness, fulfill me or bring me more permanent joy.  That peace, joy and love come from within me, from being secure in who I am with God. 

It really struck me in that moment how easy it is to think it’s just that one more thing we need in order to be “happy.”  It can be a relationship, a promotion, a dollar amount, a home, a certain car—you know what it is for you!  The thing is the joy from these things is short lived.  Even something as deep and meaningful as a relationship can’t complete you or give you a sense of joy you don’t already have, not on a permanent basis.  We set ourselves up for disappointment when we forget there’s only one true source of joy: love.  And true, deep, unconditional, unfailing love can only come from our Creator and our walk with Him.  Only He gives us that sense of complete acceptance and deep worth regardless of our failures and challenges.

I got the gentle reminder I needed: you can’t give away what you don’t already have.  The answer isn’t one more thing; it’s digging in deeper into God’s love and grace for me, of knowing my infinite worth before Him.  It’s in remembering I belong to Him, and in His eyes our relationship is worth every price He has had to pay.  It humbles me, God’s love.  It fills me with true joy. 

Interestingly, the more I learn to let go of my desires and the outcome, trusting Him instead, the more He blesses me.  It’s like I untie His hands when I finally quit holding on so tightly!  I walked away this morning not praying for my goals, but instead praying for God’s peace and for my trust in His will. 

For Further Thought: Matthew 6:33 tells us, “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.” What is your one area you need to work on surrendering and trusting God in?  What is something you can do to tie in more deeply to God’s love for you?

Getting Out of the Desert

I had an interesting morning.  I was out on my balcony praying in the sunshine, looking back over this past year.  I remembered the fear, the times of trial, the insecurities and moments of deep doubt.  But right next to each of those moments was a victory, a moment of overcoming, of moving forward.  God reminded me that all He had promised—and some neat things He surprised me with!--had all come to pass.  Now it may not have been in my timing, but neither did I have to wait forever.  Sometimes it was even ahead of my timing, but they all brought joy. 

It shames me how quick I am to doubt God.  At this point in my life He has delivered me from so much, so often, and so thoroughly you would think I would just live in a constant state of surrender and peace.  Certainly I reside there more firmly than I ever have before, even during times of deep trial.  But I’m still human, and my thoughts still fight against me. 

It reminds me of the Israelites marching for 40 years around Mount Sinai, lost.  God had delivered them from the Egyptians and had done some remarkable, crazy powerful miracles in front of them (these are the folks Moses took out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea in front of, etc.).  Food even dropped out of heaven for them each morning!  But they were restless; discontent.  They doubted God.  They actually longed to be back in bondage because at least they understood all that would lie in front of them.  It was walking in faith and not always knowing the outcome they found so very difficult. 

I can relate.  I catch myself walking around the Mount Sinai’s in my life, falling easily into a well-worn path that sadly leads to the same mediocre or downright bad outcome.  And when I arrive at that same point of discontent and misery I can actually feel surprised, like I somehow didn’t realize I would end up there once again.  Yet every time I take the reins of my life back in my hands, every time I choose to not trust and surrender, that’s exactly where I end up.

Far from feeling discouraged by all these facts, I felt incredibly encouraged.  Why?  Because I realized that each and every time, regardless of my actions or my level of faith, God always prevailed.  Every time He told me something He made it happen, even when I got in the way.  And the wrong decisions, the less than stellar choices He used for good purpose.  Nothing was wasted in His hands.  Nothing.  How cool is that?!

These are the things that deepen my faith and help me to get out of the ruts of my life more quickly.  These victories remind me God has something so much greater in store when I have the humility to look away from the mountain (an unhappy but known quantity) and toward God and his plan for me (a happy but often unknown path).  These are the moments I know God’s strength is so much greater than mine, and that my life is defined not by my mountain, but by a God who loves me and takes me by the hand, leading me to victory after victory.  And as I sat in the warmth of the sunshine, my heart smiled.

For Further Thought:  How about you?  What is your current mountain?  What are some ways you can remind yourself to keep your eyes on God instead of the mountain this week?  And in the moments you blow it, remember these scriptures:  “Even when we are too weak to have any faith left, he remains faithful to us and will help us, for he cannot disown us who are part of himself, and he will always carry out his promises to us,” (2 Timothy 2:13) and “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been according to his purpose,” (Romans 8:28).