The Wine Cork

I love the pleasant pop I hear when I open a new bottle of wine!  It tells me the wine is unspoiled and ready for my sipping pleasure.  Now usually when I go to put the cork back in to keep the rest of the bottle fresh, it fits snuggly back in place as it should.  Every once in awhile, however, it won’t.  It doesn’t matter how hard I try.  I just can’t get it to work.  If I continue to force it I end up destroying the cork and wasting my effort.

I think dating and friendships in life can sometimes be just like that wine cork.  There’s the pleasant anticipation as the relationship starts, a real savoring of each other’s personalities and uniqueness.  Everything seems to be going along beautifully.  You love each other’s company, love spending time together, and love the emotions you’re experiencing with one another.

Sometimes, a relationship like this continues moving forward and maturing into a solid, life-enhancing relationship.  Other times, something happens.    It doesn’t really matter what that something is.  The bottom line is the relationship changes, and not for the better.  And you don’t understand it.  You think back on how great everything was, how perfect everything seemed to be moving along, and you can’t quite accept what you have on your hands is no longer those things.

In life, the cork doesn’t always fit back into the bottle.  It’s the same bottle and the same cork you started with.  Logically they should work.  After all, they used to fit together beautifully.  But now, for some reason you just can’t fit the cork back in.   And the more you try to force it, the more the relationship splinters and breaks.

When the cork no longer fits, one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and the other person is permission to walk away.  Just walk away.  The more we cajole, complain or fight, the greater our loss of dignity and self-respect, and the more fractured we become.  You can’t force something to work that is broken.  It doesn’t matter how great things were in the beginning.  If consistently over time the pattern has changed in a clearly negative way, or if your paths have split irreconcilably, that is what your relationship is now.  It may not be fair; you may mourn what was; but it’s important to be honest with yourself and value who you are enough to leave.

A parable I think of when it comes to this is one Jesus shares in Mark 2:22: “And no one pours new wine into old wineskins.  Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined.  No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.”  You can’t force something that’s not meant to be, no matter how tempting.  When you do walk away, you open yourself up for new wine and new wineskins, for something that will satisfy you for the long haul. 

For Further Thought:  This week, focus on praying for positive, life-enhancing relationships that strengthen you and allow you to share strength as well.  If you’re currently trying to force a cork in your life, pray for the courage to let go. 

The Land of Enough

Daring to believe you deserve great things is a challenge.  Obstacles come your way that can tear at your determination.  Sometimes all it takes is that one extra person, that one poisonous look, that last denigrating comment to trap you back into your own negativity in the land of “I don’t deserve.”  Ever been there?  We tell ourselves we’re no good; we’re too fat to be loved, too weak to defend ourselves, unworthy of experiencing joy and peace and love.  Even when we do experience good things, we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop and the roof to cave back in on us.

I’ve been to the land of “I don’t deserve.”  There are times I get free tickets that transport me there immediately even though I’ve tried to cancel it as a destination spot several times.  But I’ve also been to the land of “Enough.”  It’s my favorite spot to live in actually.  The beaches are warm and welcoming.  The sun feels like it’s always shining even on a cloudy day.  The king of that land knows me by name and likes to walk alongside me, reminding me how much he loves me and wants to bless me.  Just feeling him there beside me is a blessing!  The king never lies to me and tells me I won’t struggle.  Instead, he reminds me he’s already placed inside me all I need to get through whatever challenges and obstacles lie in my path.  I feel centered; I feel at peace.  I matter here. 

When the land of “I don’t deserve” beckons me, or worse I get transported there again against my will, I’ve learned the first most important thing I can do is actually deceivingly simple – acknowledge it.  However I got there, whatever the reason, in that moment I’m feeling unworthy.  Trying to pretend I’m not is wasted effort.  If I stop and acknowledge my feelings, taking the time, however brief, to figure out what I’m feeling and why, I can start booking my flight back to the land of “Enough.” 

How?  I begin to replace the lies with truth.  When I don’t feel like I deserve good things, I close my eyes and listen as the king whispers to me, “I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future,” (Jer. 29:11).  He follows up with, “You are precious and honored in my sight…I love you,” and “I take great delight in you.  I will quiet you with my love, I will rejoice over you with singing.” (Is. 43:4, Ze. 3:17).  I remember I am not unworthy; I am valued, cherished.  My king loves me and tells me I deserve good things.  Emboldened, I begin the return flight home. 

For further thought: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  What are some ways your thinking needs to be transformed?  Feel free to post your thoughts.

Sweet Emotion

Emotions.  We have so many: gladness, sorrow, joy, peace, pain, heartache, worry, guilt, love and kindness are but a few.  If challenge has taught me anything, it has been to embrace my emotions.  Not just the fluffy, happy ones, but the messy, scary not always straight-forward ones that are hard to navigate.

I didn’t always used to feel this way.  I took a lot of pride actually in being even-keeled and staying cool under pressure, and in not being reactionary.  Now I am still all of those things, don’t get me wrong.  The difference is I no longer feel like I have to be those things.  In other words, I no longer care to maintain an image.  I am simply myself. 

Before, if something ugly happened I would just rush over it and wish it away, or I would act like it was no big deal even though internally my heart would be in shreds.  Then I would stuff it away so deeply I could convince myself it was gone.  Problem was, it would spill out in the most unexpected places and at rather inconvenient times! 

I’ve learned when we deny our emotions, we keep ourselves from growing through them in a way that makes us better for the process.  Clearly there is a time and a place, but sometimes we never make a time or a place to deal with our hearts.  We lose ourselves in busyness; we throw ourselves into our kids or our work.  We stop only long enough to remind ourselves to toughen up and get over it already.  After all, people are going through far worse all around us. 

God made you.  Each and every part, and each and every emotion.  Every thought, every decision shows you something about who you are and how you’re wired.  Negative emotions, maybe even more than positive ones, teach us about that wiring.  When we take some time, however brief, to reflect on the “why,” we have a better shot at growing and actually moving forward in a way that’s real.

Emotions can also lie to us, another reason it’s important to confront them!  I have these negative tapes that can play in my head and I’ve learned the PLAY button isn’t held exclusively by me.  A bad meeting, that wrong look, the hurt I felt, or being rejected by someone I was interested in immediately make it start.  “You’re stupid.  You’re not worthy.  You’re not enough.  You’re too fat/ugly/old/young (pick the adjective!).  What made you think…?”  You know what I’m talking about!

Confronting these emotions is huge!  Learning where they come from, getting things out in the open, and picking my way through my fears and failures with God by my side has brought me such tremendous healing and peace!  I’ve learned to not just find the mute button, but to begin the process of “Rewind & Delete.”  Then I get to hit play again with God’s truths:

“I am with you always, to the very end.” Mt. 28:20b

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph. 3:17

“See, I have you engraved on the palms of my hands.” Is. 49:16a

“He placed me at his banquet table, for everyone to see that his banner over me declares his love.”  SS 2:4

“What’s the price of two or three pet canaries?  Some loose change, right?  But God never overlooks a single one.  And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head!  So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk.  You’re worth more than a million canaries.”  Lk.12:7

It’s hard; it’s messy.  Emotions rarely cooperate with us the way we want them to.  But when you’re heart tells you run, remember God is standing next to you and will help you fight.  And when that becomes your process, the victories are sweet :-)

For Further Thought:  Re-read the scriptures listed above and pick out one that speaks to you the most.  Take some time this week to meditate over it and ask yourself what God is trying to show you.  Then, memorize the scripture and use it moving forward!

The Ivory Tower

It’s beautiful, this ivory tower.  It shines like a beacon, beckoning all to test their mettle and see if they can make the climb.  Carved all around the tower walls are intricately woven vines and roses.  They stand out just enough to grip and climb, but only just enough.  The climb will be a little treacherous, hard.  At the top of this tower awaits the beautiful maiden, the one who will validate you as a man and make all your dreams come true.  You just have to reach her!

It’s a myth, this tower.  And when you place a woman up there, she feels a bit uneasy.  I have found it a heady view that makes me dizzy when I look down.  You see, I know who I am.  I am this wonderful creature, a beautiful daughter of a great King, yes, as are all of my sisters; but I am also fallible and weak.  I have moments of selfishness and ugliness.  In other words, I am simply human.  And the higher I’m placed in that tower, the greater I know I will eventually fall.   

What I’ve come to learn and see is so deeply important for both men and women.  Most men need to battle for the woman.  It’s hard-wired in who they are.  They need to pursue and fight for her.  Letting a man be who he’s destined by God to be is a gift a woman can give him.  But a woman can never validate a man.  She can never become the answer for his soul. 

When a man is looking for a woman to do so, he places them both on precarious ground.  After all, if a woman validates your manhood, it means she’s equally capable of taking it away.  If a man is looking to a woman to “complete” him, as romantic and beautiful as that feels initially, she takes on enormous pressure to somehow become this mythical creature he’s looking for but doesn’t really exist. 

Of course the same is true for women.  We need to believe we are worthy of being fought for, that we are beautiful and special to a man.  We want to be won.  This is hard-wired into the heart of nearly every woman.  Yet if we look to find our validation and our sense of identity and worth solely from a man, we live in desperate fear of being invalidated, of falling off the tower; we fear we will never be beautiful enough. 

I write a lot about challenges and spiritual/emotional tunnels we go through, but I think the relationship tunnel is one of the most prolific around.  Being married or single isn’t a determinant for being in this tunnel, either.  It’s universal in nature and seen everywhere on the planet. 

Exiting this tunnel begins, as so many journeys do, within ourselves.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  Validation comes from God and in owning the unique ways He’s wired us as individuals.  No one can be you.  No one contains the exact measure of strengths, weaknesses, gifts and flaws.  No one can shine quite the way you shine on this earth.  We each have our own role to play.  No one else can play it for you – or give it to you.  Owning who you are before God is the most empowering, validating step you can ever take.

Yes, strong, healthy relationships also validate and empower us.  They bring out our hardwiring and make us better for the process.  There is something special a woman can’t get from other women, just as there’s something special a man can’t get from other men.  We do need each other.  It’s just our sole existence can’t rest exclusively within each other without great peril to the heart and soul.  There has to be a changeless core inside first. 

Without a doubt my most painful blows in life have come from looking for my internal and eternal validation from someone other than God.  A great relationship of any kind will enhance that validation immeasurably, certainly.  A romantic relationship does so in a very intimate, special way.  Yet no relationship can completely fill you.  The challenge for all of us is to resist the temptation to let another person be our sole source of validation.  Refuse to buy into the Ivory Tower myth. 

My dream?  It’s the dream of nearly every wife, every woman, every little girl out there.  I wait for that warrior to battle for me, and to let me know I’m beautiful throughout and I matter.  I want to be pursued for who I am.  Not from some tower high above, but with a man who will take my hand, sword swinging, and lead me through the adventures of this life side-by-side, knowing full well I am flawed just as he is.  Yet we understand and accept each other’s weaknesses. 

We’re there for each other, giving encouragement, love, respect and power for the journey.  We tend to each other’s battle wounds along the way as best we can.  There are spaces in our togetherness.  We both understand there are needs a man has that can’t be filled by a woman, and needs a woman has that can’t be filled by a man.  But we come back better and closer because of the spaces, ready again to charge ahead.  

For Further Thought:  Isaiah 45:24 tells us, "In the Lord alone are deliverance and strength."  Think of the times or situations you're most tempted to find your deepest sense of worth in others.  Offer it up to God this week and pray for the ability to feel validation from Him during those moments.

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Trusting Yourself Again

Going through deeply challenging situations can really get us questioning our decision making and judgment.  After all, that relationship didn’t end in a void or that business didn’t tank by itself.  We were active participants in something that ended badly, whatever the situation.

I could spend time talking about grace and the importance of learning from your mistakes, forgiving yourself (because you’re already forgiven!) and moving forward.  Instead, I want to talk about something I think we sometimes miss – at least I did at first!  You still know how to make good, solid decisions.  No, I’m not talking about the ones you feel confident making in other areas.  I’m talking about the ones you still need to make in your area of weakness or failure.

What I have learned and seen time and time again is decision making isn’t always the issue.  Oftentimes, trusting our judgment and internal compass, the Holy Spirit, is.  For me, it’s rarely been the case where I never got some sort of internal warning, a pang of guilt or an unsettled feeling, a flash of questioning or a thought that there might be more going on than I wanted to acknowledge.  In other words, in hindsight I can see the signs, and I was AWARE of those signs at the time! 

Where I think we all get into trouble is with reasoning away what our mind and spirit are beginning to see.  We justify; we make excuses.  We remind ourselves why we don’t like conflict or how we’re likely blowing things out of proportion.  We come up with all sorts of reasons to continue to allow bad behavior, especially if it’s our own.  It’s like we manipulate and trick ourselves into buying in on something because it’s easier, quicker or simpler to swallow in the moment.

In understanding this, I have learned the value of stepping back and re-examining my steps to see where I shut out truth and especially why I shut it out.  That simple process has made such a difference in who I am as a person and has allowed my confidence to grow tremendously!  I realize I do have good instincts, and learning to listen to and trust in them is an empowering experience. 

There are two scriptures here that help guide me.  In Galatians 5:25 it says, “Now since we have chosen to walk with the Spirit, let’s keep each step in perfect sync with God’s Spirit.”  To me, that says listen closely to what God is saying to me.  Trust Him!  He actually knows what He’s doing, and the more I listen and follow, the more I experience His perfection and peace.      

The other is in 1 Thessalonians 5:19 which says, “Don’t suppress the Spirit.”  If you get that nudge, however gentle, don’t be afraid to explore it.  If people are telling you hard truths about yourself, have the humility to listen closely and grow if necessary.  Invite God’s Spirit into situations, especially when they’re hard.  You’ll be amazed by the goodwill and peace it ultimately promotes.  Truly!

So go ahead!  Re-evaluate that relationship you're thinking of starting or ending.  Ask the hard questions you’ve been putting off.  Take the plunge into what you know you need to do.  Even though it may be hard in the short term, over the long haul you’ll be glad you did.

For further thought:  This week, think of an area you doubt your judgment in.  Take some time to explore the signs you might have ignored in past situations.  Most importantly, begin to pray

for a regained confidence in your ability to make spirit-led decisions.