Freedom from the Past

I’m always a little amazed at how easy it is to see when other people have an issue from their past that keeps them from moving forward, and yet how hard it is to see it within myself!  I had a good friend once who was terrified of dating.  He would cite many reasons, some of them legitimate and some of them sort of trivial.  The bottom line was he had never really allowed himself to heal from what he went through emotionally when his marriage ended.  He’d been depressed, withdrawn and hurting, yes, but he moved from that dark place straight to avoidance without ever learning and growing internally through the process.  As a result, he stayed emotionally stunted and unavailable, all the while claiming he was happy and better.  Anyone could see the loneliness that haunted his eyes.  Anyone but him.  I felt bad for him.

It got me thinking.  What do I hide from myself?  If you were to ask me that question at any given time, I would tell you nothing.  I consider myself to be a deep, thoughtful individual who is committed to personal growth and being a life-long learner.  Yet experience has taught me time and time again I’m wrong.  It may be I’m not in a place to receive a lesson I’m meant to learn yet.  Or, I haven’t been placed in the right circumstances to squeeze it out.  But there are always things lurking just beneath the surface for all of us, I think, that are easier for others to pick up on and perceive than we’re able to ourselves. 

Far from being discouraging, I have found understanding that I have blind spots is an empowering experience.  I don’t worry or obsess over it; I know as I’m ready to receive, God will show me the next steps in my journey toward growth.  He has a knack for putting the right people and situations in my life at exactly the right time to help propel me forward, and He allows me to be that person for others, too.  So I don’t have to own or worry about what I might not be seeing.  God will show me.

The key, of course, is to let Him.  We all like seeing the good, the beautiful and the encouraging in our lives.  It takes humility and a genuine desire to grow to see the bad, the ugly and the discouraging.  It’s hard and painful on the front end, and who in their right mind moves easily toward pain?!  Yet I’ve learned the longer I fight or cajole or try to manipulate my way out of a life lesson, the harder my life becomes.  I get protective instead of reflective, anxious instead of honest.  I assume I’ll find happiness sooner my way, but instead it becomes harder to find. 

When I don’t step into my truths God is calling me to, I miss my mission, my true purpose and the growth and ultimately joy that come from times of stretching.  Like my friend, I stay stuck.  It’s hard to stop pointing the finger at someone else and instead allow it to be pointed at you.  But it is so freeing!  You are, after all, the only one you have control over. 

More and more I realize all that’s really required of me is to stay in step with God.  The more in-tune I am with Him and His will for me, the easier it becomes to heal, to learn, and to take bolder steps of faith forward.  I grow more quickly.  I have more confidence as I reach toward my calling.  In that, there is freedom. 

For Further Thought: Jesus says, “Why is it that you see the dust in your brother’s or sister’s eye, but you can’t see what is in your own eye? Don’t ignore the wooden plank in your eye, while you criticize the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eyelashes. That type of criticism and judgment is a sham! Remove the plank from your own eye, and then perhaps you will be able to see clearly how to help your brother flush out his sawdust,” (Matthew 7:3-5 MSG).  Are there any planks in your life you’re ignoring right now?  Pray for the willingness to see what’s blocking you from moving forward.  God will always oblige you with an answer.

Perfect Timing

So I’m FINALLY reading this book I was given over a year and a half ago, and the timing of it couldn’t be better.  I mean, it’s like I had gone out intentionally searching to find this book instead of rediscovering it quietly waiting for me to remember it’s existence on my book shelf.  As I’m reading it, blown away and smiling at how perfect it all is, I realize this isn’t the first time I’ve had such an experience.  I have a tendency to receive books as gifts I’ve heard nothing about and, for whatever reason, have no time to read in that moment.  So I pop it up on my bookshelf, promising the bright little tome I will get to it eventually.

Of course I tend to completely forget about it!  It just sits there, wondering how it got transported from the gleaming beauty of the store’s bookshelf to the island of misfit toys, jammed into my rather eclectic collection of titles.  Yet invariably, God will sort of nudge me to go grab that book out already and, lo and behold, it’s exactly what I need to read in that moment.  It’s crazy awesome!

Perfect timing is just that – perfect.  It’s the compliment you needed to hear at exactly the right moment, the hug you didn’t know you needed until you received it, the bonus given just as that big bill became due, or the person you meet that is perfect, but wouldn’t have been perfect even 3 months earlier.  We smile and call it fate, or we thank our lucky stars, but we know when we’re experiencing perfect timing because it feels so, well … perfect!

My challenge, and I don’t think I’m alone here, is waiting for that perfect timing.  I’m a “get things done” sort of girl.  So while patience may be a virtue, its one I regularly wrestle with and admittedly want to curse at on occasion.  Okay, maybe a lot of occasions!  The thing is, whenever I run ahead of God (or lag behind – sometimes I want to do anything but move and would prefer to stay locked in my closet or something) it never goes well for me.  Hmm.  Imagine that!  My timing isn’t divine or perfect.  Who knew?

Well, God did.  He tells us in Isaiah 55:8, “My intentions are not always yours, and I do not go about things as you do.”  He follows up this important piece of information with yet another: “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” (Psalm 27:14, ESV)  He knows it takes strength and courage for us to let go of the outcome we want, in the timing we want, in the way we want it to happen.  But He also encourages us with a reminder to “not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up,” (Galatians 6:9, NIV).

I want to reap a harvest in my life.  I want to look back warmly if I make it to the red hat society stage and smile at the wonderful relationships I’ve shared in, the blessings I have experienced with my family, the financial support I was able to give to others, and feel blessed I got to do it with a quality individual by my side.  So when I catch myself running ahead – or lagging behind – God yet again, I force myself to stop (or if I’m sitting in the closet, put down the glass of merlot and open the door).  And I remind myself God’s timing is worth the wait, that “His good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:12) is just that: Perfect. 

Even better, when I finally lay down my will and start searching for His, this amazing thing happens.  I find peace.  I feel happy.  I remember God thinks I’m worth blessing and He’s got my back.  The stress and the fear melt away.  In Isaiah 40:31 we’re told, “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles,” (ESV).  Geez.  I guess He talks about that, too!  I have to admit, He’s pretty awesome.

For Further Thought:  “The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him,” (Lamentations 3:25).  What is an area in your life you’re tempted to run ahead of or behind God in?  Think of one thing you can do this week to surrender to God’s timing about this issue. 

Being Present

I sat on my back porch this morning sipping my tea, my mind muddled and full of everything and nothing all at once.  I started talking with God about my thoughts, how they can be all over the place.  I think about things from the past, the good and the bad.  I think about current situations, mulling them over in my mind like a purchase I'm considering.  I project into the future, wondering how this or that may turn out in time.  Far from being as linear as described, my thoughts were all over the place - forward, backwards, current, backwards, forward and current again.  I was like a child with too many toys in front of her dabbling with them all but never really grabbing a hold of any one thing. 

I realized how hard it is for me to be present, to simply sit in the moment and take in the view.  Even when I look at my lovely flowers my very next thought is what I need to do to take care of them versus allowing myself to simply enjoy them for a moment.  I don't like it!  It's like life is passing me by and I haven't really noticed until an hour of it is gone, spent on nothing but random thoughts.  And it's an hour I will never get back.  Ever!

I'm amazed at how precious time is, how quickly it passes, yet how easily I squander it on useless thoughts or worry.  When I look back over my life and think of how many hours I've wasted worrying about a guy, or the "what ifs" in life, or over situations that never materialized, I'm slightly horrified!  I don't even want to know how many years it would be.

One of my personal goals this year was to simply be present in my own life.  On my vision board I have written in bold print, "Engage in your life, in your world!"  I look at it every day, and it reminds me to keep fighting, with God at my side, to rein in my wayward thoughts and simply enjoy each moment of every day, each smile I receive and I give, each conversation I have with my children, however trivial or small, each sunset casting its purple shadow into my arms. 

It's hard!  I have to fight to put the cell phone down, to turn the TV off, to get away from the electronic screen.  I have to fight to deeply listen and engage in those passing but important conversations that will never come my way again.  In short, I have to fight to be intentional about my thoughts and my time.

I have to say, though, it is worth the ongoing battle!  I can't say I'm very successful at being present all the time.  Just re-read the first paragraph!  But I can say I'm more present than I've been in a long, long time.  And as I slow my thoughts and still my mind, allowing myself to get spiritually re-centered, I've noticed there's all these cool by-products that come from the process.  I notice the beauty of an individual leaf again.  I feel more emotionally in touch with those I love.  I'm a better friend and a better parent.  I smile a whole lot more!

So instead of wasting your time away over this holiday weekend, I would encourage you--just as I'm encouraging myself--be present!  Take a hold of the moments with your family, your friends, your God and your life.  Pretend you've never seen fireworks before.  Take back out your childhood wonderment and live in the moment.  You'll find joy and peace start creeping back up to you, ready to pay you a visit.

For Further Thought:  James 4:14 says, "The reality is you have no idea where your life will take you tomorrow.  You are like a mist that appears one moment and then vanishes another."  2 Corinthians 10:5 reminds us to "take every thought captive." With that in mind, how might you live your life differently?  How might you engage more actively, leading your thoughts with God instead of your thoughts leading you chaotically?